graveyard antics.
© 1996 Jamie Zawinski <>

Some friends and I occasionally meet at a local graveyard in the middle of the night, just to wander around and look at the monuments. ``How very gothic,'' you're probably thinking, but actually, these friends are ravers.

So one night I met Ellen, Rhea, and Matt at the graveyard. They had two friends with them whom I hadn't met before.

``This is John and this is Elan,'' Matt explained. ``They're all fucked up on Robitussin.'' John began the long, arduous process of attempting to smile.

So we walked over to the wall separating the graveyard from the street, looking for a good place to climb it, when John was finally able to finish that thought, and said, ``Hi!''

Getting these slo-mo robo-zombies over the wall was something of an adventure, but no worse than, say, moving a piano.

This graveyard is patrolled, so it would occasionally become necessary to hide, or even run to stay out of the headlights and avoid detection. This, of course, presents a problem for robo-zombies, as they tend to have a hard time remembering how to run. During their more lucid moments they described it as, ``you get your leg up, and then a little while later, you remember, wait, I was doing something. Oh yeah. And then you put your leg down again. And if you do this often enough, you're walking!''

It looked just like that, too. It was quite amusing, watching them stagger down a hill, flat-footed, giggling, looking more than a little confused.

So after a while, we left them lying on the ground by a huge monument for members of the Water Buffalos, or Lions Club, or something like that (I think it was the one Fred Flintstone was a member of, you know, the one with the funny hats.) The rest of us wandered around for a couple of hours, looking at crypts and pyramids and things, and eventually went back to find them. They hadn't moved.

But apparently, the reason they hadn't moved was that they had forgotten how. They were so severely time-dilated that they were convinced that we had forgotten about them and gone home, and that they had somehow just failed to notice that the sun had come up and gone down again. Because it must have been at least ten hours, right?

So that was all very amusing.

Speaking of robo-zombies, I overheard this conversation in the bathroom at a nightclub once:

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