© 2002 Jamie Zawinski <>

Drone: HelloandwelcometounitedartistscinemashowcanIhelpyou.
Me: Medium popcorn. No Butter. Medium Coke.
Drone: For only twenty-five cents more, you can get...
Me: No thanks.
Drone: But it's only...
Me: No.
Drone: [ scoop, scoop, scoop ]
Butter on your popcorn?
Me: No.
Drone: What kind of soda?
Me: Coke.
Drone: Diet Coke?
Me: No.
Drone: [ click, click. pause. click click click. pause. ]
Eighty-five dollars and ninety-two cents, enjoytheshow.

Can't they replace these hopeless losers with vending machines yet so I don't have to go through this script every single time? It's not like I'm ordering something esoteric here! How can they manage to get the paper hat on straight if their short-term memory fuzzes out after less than a second?

The last time this happened, I repeated the script to Angela while we were waiting in line, and when we got to the front of the line, I couldn't stop myself from laughing every time I said my lines. (``Yes, I'm laughing at you, and no, I can't stop.'') I think that one of these days I should just go in there with a tape recorder and un-pause the playback to do my part. But I suspect the point would be lost on the audience.

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