Nacho Vidal

2 years ago
Spanish porn star Nacho Vidal, who likes to advertise his aromatic candles shaped like male genitalia on Twitter, has been arrested on manslaughter charges following a man's death during a mystic ritual in which he inhaled psychedelic toad venom.

The toad, a rare species which is native to the Sonoran Desert, stretching from northern Mexico into California and Arizona, secretes venom containing a very powerful natural psychedelic substance known as 5-MeO-DMT.

Local press said the ceremony took place in the country residence of Vidal, a media-savvy porn star in his mid-40s whose Twitter feed is full of ads for his 25-centimetre aromatic candles of the male genitalia, available in black, white or cerise.

This important news was overshadowed by current events for more than a year, but better late than never.

Previously, previously, previously, previously, previously, previously.

3 Comments
Tags: , , ,

What Happens When You Drink an Entire Bottle of Weed Lube

7 years ago
"I woke up with potato chips all over my body."

I woke up the next morning and cried at my boyfriend about how badly I didn't want to go to Disneyland, despite the fact that we had no plans to go to Disneyland that day or ever. After calming me down, he tucked me back into bed with a big bag of salt and vinegar potato chips and turned on Gilmore Girls. After hallucinating that Lauren Graham's face was morphing into Ryan Gosling's face for just a few seconds at a time, such that nobody besides me had ever noticed, I proceeded to nap for four hours. I woke up with potato chips all over my body, then asked my boyfriend to help wash me off in the shower because I didn't feel capable of doing that on my own. I also vaguely remember having a mild panic attack about the fact that I didn't know where our cat was. We don't have a cat.

The next few days are a blur of snacking and crying. There are 10 text threads on my phone that I don't remember typing and mysterious empty bags of Cheetos strewn about my apartment.

The Peril of Working with Psychoactive Drugs Is Accidentally Tripping

With the former, I began to notice something wasn't right on my walk home from the lab for a dinner break. The people across the street took on the appearance of a Mexican day of the dead festival. While Dock Ellis may be able to pitch a no hitter while under the influence of LSD, I was not as confident in my abilities to work on LSM-775 and rather than returning to the lab I decided to take the evening off."

"The evening was spent staring at a wall while periodically monitoring my vitals.

Previously, previously, previously, previously, previously, previously, previously, previously.

1 Comment
Tags: , ,

Recent Comics

7 years ago
  • Howard the Duck

    I mentioned six months ago that Howard the Duck is the best thing going on in comics right now, and it's still true. It's just so great! No, I don't understand how this is possible, either! (Well, I do, it's that Chip Zdarsky is fucking hilarious, but still.)

    The "Gwenpool" backup feature is pretty amazing, too. (Apparently there's some comic where Gwen Stacy is Spider-Man -- I dunno, I haven't read it -- so the obvious next step is, what the hell, she can be Deadpool too.)

    Fun fact: any time I try to type Howard the Duck, it autocorrects to Howard the Fuck because years ago I set "Fuck" as the completion for "Duck", having noticed that I never, ever type "ducking" but type "fucking" a lot. Fucking thanks, Howard.

  • Phonogram: The Immaterial Girl

    There's a new Phonogram! It's basically about the Take On Me video! And the ghost of The Long Blondes! Aaaaahhhhh it's so great! And after they said it was impossible to do another. "The bargain was for half of a girl's personality. You may see a loophole."

  • Harley Quinn Power Girl

    Ok, this is going to be hard to believe, but the Harley Quinn Power Girl miniseries is actually pretty funny. The backstory is that Power Girl got bonked on the head and has slight amnesia, so Harley took the opportunity to tell her that she had always been her sidekick. Hijinks ensue.

    Some caveats: 1) It's not as funny as the 2010 Power Girl series, where she spends so much time punching out dinosaurs that it might as well be an Atomic Robo comic -- seriously, that series was great; and 2) I absolutely hate the way Harley Quinn is drawn (there is only One True Harley Quinn and that's the Paul Dini version from Batman The Animated Series. Likewise, the One True Joker is Mark Hamill and I'll fight anyone who says different). BUT: This happened, ok:


    Yeah, that's Sean Connery as Zardoz. Then at some point they get really high and hallucinate for no reason that advances the plot (such as it is) in any way. I totally respect that.

  • Sex Criminals

    A couple of dorks have the superpower that when they have orgasms, they can stop time. Bank robberies ensue. It's 20% filthy and 80% cringeworthy, in a very Mortified kind of way. And there's some kind of Sailor Moon Spunk Ghost. (Speaking of which, you should also be reading Oglaf.) Don't skip the letters columns, where people write in with childhood tales of the first time they came across moldy piles of porn in the woods.

  • Saga

    Wow, what happened? It's still ok, but I'm really kind of bored by Saga right now. It feels like everyone in it has been just bumbling around waiting for something to happen for a year.

  • The Wicked and The Divine

    Oh my god this is boring. It's by Gillen and McKelvie, who also do Phonogram, so I expected to love this but it is just so... Teen Paranormal Romance. I give literally zero shits about any of the characters, or the mythology, or who killed who, or whether any of them survive. Cartoon Annie Lennox was ok, but got killed off pretty much right out of the gate.

  • Bitch Planet

    It sounded like a decent concept -- The Handmaid's Tale as 70s women-in-prison exploitation movie, in spaaaaace -- but again, file it under no shits given for any character or plot elements. I've read more compelling ranty twitter accounts and you probably have too.

Previously, previously, previously, previously.

12 Comments
Tags: , , , ,
Current Music: K.Flay -- Appetite For Consumption ♬

"A hate flower that blooms all year". Also, Space Egyptians.

9 years ago
James Mickens: To Wash It All Away:

A modern Web page is a catastrophe. It's like a scene from one of those apocalyptic medieval paintings that depicts what would happen if Galactus arrived: people are tumbling into fiery crevasses and lamenting various lamentable things and hanging from playground equipment that would not pass OSHA safety checks. This kind of stuff is exactly what you'll see if you look at the HTML, CSS, and JavaScript in a modern Web page. Of course, no human can truly "look" at this content, because a Web page is now like V'Ger from the first "Star Trek" movie, a piece of technology that we once understood but can no longer fathom, a thrashing leviathan of code and markup written by people so untrustworthy that they're not even third parties, they're fifth parties who weren't even INVITED to the party, but who showed up anyways because the hippies got it right and free love or whatever. [...]

Describing why the Web is horrible is like describing why it's horrible to drown in an ocean composed of pufferfish that are pregnant with tiny Freddy Kruegers -- each detail is horrendous in isolation, but the aggregate sum is delightfully arranged into a hate flower that blooms all year. [...]

So, yes, it would be great if fixing your browser involved actions that were not semantically equivalent to voodoo. But, on the bright side, things could always be worse. For example, it would definitely be horrible if your browser's scripting language combined the prototype-based inheritance of Self, a quasi-functional aspect borrowed from LISP, a structured syntax adapted from C, and an aggressively asynchronous I/O model that requires elaborate callback chains that span multiple generations of hard-working Americans. OH NO I'VE JUST DESCRIBED JAVASCRIPT. What an unpleasant turn of events! People were begging for a combination of Self, LISP, and C in the same way that the denizens of Middle Earth were begging Saruman to breed Orcs and men to make Uruk-hai.

Previously, previously, previously, previously, previously, previously, previously.

8 Comments
Tags: , , ,

Teen LSD Party In Mill Valley Turns Into Marin County Blood Ritual

10 years ago
"Every one of the top 40 records being played on every radio station in the United States is a communication to the children to take a trip, to cop out, to groove."

An all-night, LSD-fueled party in Mill Valley, California went wildly out of control early Sunday morning, requiring law enforcement officers from no less than five nearby towns to bring everyone back down to earth.

Things started to turn south around 7:30 a.m. Sunday morning, when paramedics received a call that a boy had started suffering from seizures after taking acid. EMTs from the Southern Marin Fire District arrived at the scene to find a 16-year-old boy covered in blood and using "superhuman strength" to block their entrance. The boy became increasingly violent until the paramedics called for backup, bringing in everyone from the Marin County Sheriff's Department to Mill Valley and Tiburon police. A second call for help brought in additional officers from around the area.

Authorities trying to control the scene had to contend with the original blood-covered boy and his 18-year-old girlfriend who also turned violent and began spitting blood on firefighters. Police found a total of eight partygoers inside the supposedly vacant home, many of them covered in blood.

Previously, previously.

12 Comments
Tags: ,
Current Music: 1000 Homo DJs -- Supernaut ♬

"...hoping that the monsters don't do what monsters are always going to do because if they didn't do those things, they'd be called dandelions or puppy hugs."

10 years ago
This is the best article you will read on processor design for the next eighteen months.

James Mickens: The Slow Winter:

You'd give your buddy a high-five and go celebrate at the bar, and then you'd think, "I wonder if we can make branch predictors even more accurate," and the next day you'd start XOR'ing the branch's PC address with a shift register containing the branch's recent branching history, because in those days, you could XOR anything with anything and get something useful, and you test the new branch predictor, and now you're up to 96% accuracy, and the branches call you on the phone and say OK, WE GET IT, YOU DO NOT LIKE BRANCHES, but the phone call goes to your voicemail because you're too busy driving the speed boats and wearing the monocles that you purchased after your promotion at work. [...]

When John went to work in 2003, he had an indomitable spirit and a love for danger, reminding people of a less attractive Ernest Hemingway or an equivalently attractive Winston Churchill. As a child in 1977, John had met Gordon Moore; Gordon had pulled a quarter from behind John's ear and then proclaimed that he would pull twice as many quarters from John's ear every 18 months. Moore, of course, was an incorrigible liar and tormentor of youths, and he never pulled another quarter from John's ear again, having immediately fled the scene while yelling that Hong Kong will always be a British territory, and nobody will ever pay $8 for a Mocha Frappuccino, and a variety of other things that seemed like universal laws to people at the time, but were actually just arbitrary nouns and adjectives that Moore had scrawled on a napkin earlier that morning. [...]

Of course, lay people do not actually spend their time trying to invert massive hash values while rendering nine copies of the Avatar planet in 1080p. Lay people use their computers for precisely ten things, none of which involve massive computational parallelism, and seven of which involve procuring a vast menagerie of pornographic data and then curating that data using a variety of fairly obvious management techniques, like the creation of a folder called "Work Stuff," which contains an inner folder called "More Work Stuff," where "More Work Stuff" contains a series of ostensible documentaries that describe the economic interactions between people who don't have enough money to pay for pizza and people who aren't too bothered by that fact. [...]

30 Comments
Tags: , , ,

Exterminate All Rational Condiments. Long Live the New Fries.

10 years ago
Tonight I misheard someone and thought for a moment that there was a new local restaurant called "Cronenburger".

I thought I had died and gone to Eighties Body Horror Food Heaven.

Can you imagine what the utensils would have looked like?

We could finally answer the question, "What does Brundlefly put on his fries?"

"The bun is fine, it's the patty, the patty's all wrong!"

Previously, previously, previously, previously.

6 Comments
Tags: , , , ,

Pez

11 years ago
Where can I get a Hunter S. Thompson Pez dispenser, and does human adrenal gland come in caplet form? Asking for a friend.
11 Comments
Tags: , ,
Current Music: The Dollyrots -- Because I'm Santa ♬

W.S.B. Turd.

12 years ago
What is the process?

  1. Take a glob of William S. Burroughs' preserved shit
  2. Isolate the DNA with a kit
  3. Make, many, many copies of the DNA we extract
  4. Soak the DNA in gold dust
  5. Load the DNA dust into a genegun (a modified air pistol)
  6. Fire the DNA dust into a mix of fresh sperm, blood and shit
  7. Call the genetically modified mix of blood, shit, and sperm a living bioart, a new media paint, a living cut-up literary device and/or a mutant sculpture.

Where is the shit?

The shit is preserved in Lawrence, Kansas by old friends of Bill. The Burroughs Estate has given us their thumbs up to the project.

What kind of genes are in shit?

The Intestinal Flora Genome Project studies the microflora of human guts. It is possible that each person has their own signature microbiota populations.

1 Comment
Tags: , , ,

Oh hell yeah.

14 years ago

3 Comments
Tags: ,
Current Music: Cop Shoot Cop -- Swimming in Circles ♬

  • Previously