The lengthy document that the 79-year-old chair of the House finance committee sent to his colleagues claims the vaccine is part of a plot "to gain 100% control over the minds of all of humanity."
The document is also full of anti-Catholic bigotry, claiming the Vatican is ruled by multiple popes, including a "grey pope" who is the "supreme puppet master."
"We must understand that this criminal network is highly spiritual in nature, and all who are at the top are involved in dark ancient spiritual practices," the report claims. "To put it bluntly, they are satanists, also called luciferians."
The document also claims that both the Moderna and Johnson & Johnson vaccines were examined under a microscope, which revealed a tentacled creature in each vial that "moves around, lifts itself up, and even seems to be self aware."
The New York Times will no doubt sit down in a rural diner with the illuminati fuckdemon vaccine tentacle monster to hear its side of the story.