I Watched 'F9' So Other Bike/Ped Advocates Don't Have To

Luckily, it's just their old friends: Ludacris, Tyrese, and a few other people I do not recognize, because unlike the other two, I didn't dance awkwardly to their music at bar mitzvahs in the year 2000.

Vin is placated, but suspicious. "I know you don't carpool," he sneers, because real heroes only ride in single occupancy vehicles, even when they are going to the exact same off-grid farm that seems to grow nothing. [...]

The squad searches the wreckage of the plane and find what looks like a tiny terrarium for some nice succulents maybe, but is actually half of a super-weapon that can be used hack into any electronic device, including deadly space lasers. I check my phone to see if Marjorie Taylor Greene wrote this movie. [...]

Someone's tank catches on fire and the driver yells, "My ass is en fuego!" so now I am pretty sure this movie is going to win a Best Screenplay Oscar. Tyrese drives through a literal minefield, which is hard because in order to avoid the blast radius after triggering a mine, he needs to drive over 80 miles per hour...but his speedometer only goes up to 70! Fun fact: my Toyota has a speedometer that goes up to 130, and this unnamed Central American country apparently has better vehicle safety standards than NHTSA. [...]

The car immediately explodes, and Luda and Tyrese snicker about how autonomous vehicles will never be a thing, because driving is the highest expression of human greatness. [...] Ludacris and Tyrese arrive to track him, and, to their horror, are forced to park their sweet car in the middle of a crowded pedestrian plaza and....walk. "I just grew a new bunion!" Luda actually cries, because he literally never uses his feet for anything but pushing a gas pedal. [...]

Day freshly saved, Dominic Tomagotchi scoops his young son out of the spider hole where he has been hiding for this entire movie and takes him to the race track where the grandfather he never met was literally burned to death. This is supposed to be touching and not an example of terrible parenting.

Previously, previously, previously.