Remember when I covered the not-amazing Twitter hack last month and I suggested that maybe whoever did it just really sucked at crime? Because who would blow up that absolute gold mine of access and information so fast and in the light of day. Yep, that.
So the OPSEC Dumbass Of The Year award goes to... Florida Man. I mean, Florida Boy. Hop on the boat: we're touring Dipshit Island.
When Twitter's "hack" happened, thought Leader Infosec Twitter went nuclear rumoring nation-state attacks. Brian Krebs got so hard he doxed the wrong guy. (Again.) But one shared truth across the board was that those Bitcoin transactions were going to be traced. I mean, only Senators and extremely dull / probably drunk children still believe that Bitcoin is anonymous. Also? Everyone knows Coinbase is a snitch. [...]
Anyway, let's step back for perspective. In a cascading series of unfuckingbelieveable lifelong OPSEC fails, busted Twitter "hacker" Graham David Clark started out as a petty Minecraft scammer whose debut in the major crimes department -- an amateur SIM-swap for Bitcoin theft -- got him busted right out of the gate last year.
Upon getting caught and having the Secret Service seize 100 of his Bitcoins, Clark interpreted it as a sign he should immediately:
- Deck out his Tampa apartment with overpriced gaming gear, drive a white BMW 3 Series around Florida, while flaunting on Instagram with crap like designer sneakers and a gem-encrusted Rolex, plus;
- Two weeks later start criming on Twitter employees
Truly Clark is a prize pony when it comes to being the ringleader of any "sophisticated" hack attack. It speaks volumes about his accomplices' risk-assessment skillset. But it also meant that every goddamn time New York Times called Clark a "mastermind" (along with other outlets that pay reporters upward of NYT's six figure salaries) I was caught in an endless loop of spit takes that soaked my laptop in coffee and my entire apartment in vodka sodas.
Anyway, I'm sure by the end of the year Graham Ivan Clark will be making seven figures advising Zoom on security.
I know there are no Moriartys, but come on, isn't there some mid-level mobster out there who understands how leverage works?
PS: Where's the pee tape.