6. The Inaccessible Archive

6 cl gin, 2 cl green chartreuse, 3 cl fresh orange juice.
Stir, serve with orange zest.
Yes, Chartreuse is a bit pricey, but you'll be saving a lot of money by not going to the archives.

5. The Canceled Conference

6 cl gin, 3 cl pomegranate juice, 2 cl lemon juice, splash of simple syrup, cherry bitters.
Stir, serve with lemon zest.
Enjoy after you've finally gotten hold of an airline rep to rebook your flight.

10. The Provost's Pandemic Priority Faculty:

8 cl tap water, 3 cl cranberry juice, 1 cl lemon juice, simple syrup, cherry bitters.
Ass. Deans and Deans: replace tap water with gin
Ass. Provosts and Provost: replace gin with champagne.
Either way: stir, serve with lemon zest.

23. The Furloughed Football Coach

6 cl vodka, 4 cl grape juice, 2 cl lemon juice, simple syrup.
Stir, serve with lemon wedge.
Enjoy, but don't kid yourself: this drink does not exist (he is an essential worker).