Analprint Scan

A mountable toilet system for personalized health monitoring via the analysis of excreta:

Here, we describe easily deployable hardware and software for the long-term analysis of a user's excreta through data collection and models of human health. The 'smart' toilet, which is self-contained and operates autonomously by leveraging pressure and motion sensors, analyses the user's urine using a standard-of-care colorimetric assay that traces red -- green -- blue values from images of urinalysis strips, calculates the flow rate and volume of urine using computer vision as a uroflowmeter, and classifies stool according to the Bristol stool form scale using deep learning [...]

Each user of the toilet is identified through their fingerprint and the distinctive features of their anoderm, and the data are securely stored and analysed in an encrypted cloud server. The toilet may find uses in the screening, diagnosis and longitudinal monitoring of specific patient populations.

"Distinctive features of their anoderm."

I wonder what "specific patient populations" is a euphemism for, and if it's as sinister as it sounds.

There's a fingerprint scanner on the flush lever, and yes, those are close-up photos of assholes.

Previously, previously, previously, previously, previously, previously, previously, previously, previously, previously, previously, previously, previously, previously.

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14 Responses:

  1. Frederick says:

    My anoderm itches.

    • James C. says:

      Fun fact: Itchy anoderm is called pruritus ani and has a wide variety of causes including iron deficiency, hemorrhoids, pinworms, sweating, and foods (including caffeine, tomatoes, spices, and vitamin C supplements).

  2. K says:

    Life follows satire. Cartoon Network's Adult Swim did a fake infomercial years ago for the Smart Pipe connected sewer solution(tm), wherein the tech libertarians were trying to get child porn laws changed so they'd stop getting hit for toilets taking pictures of kids' asses. It's on the 'tubes and worth a watch.

  3. Beavis says:

    I need ML for my bunghole

  4. ContextSans says:

    I particularly like the rendering of Rodin's The Thinker used in the diagram of the person sitting on the toilet. Gives an air of classiness and culture to the whole thing.

  5. Monkey Mind says:

    "Deep learning"

  6. Trout-snorkel says:

    Hmm still available -
    chocolate-starfish.com

  7. Jim says:

    "Self-contained" my ass. They are hooked up to water and sewer pipes, without exception.

  8. thielges says:

    Next up: derrière dazzle to protect anonymity. I mean who wants their ass uploaded to The Clown anyways.

  9. Elusis says:

    those are close-up photos of assholes

    Judges were looking for a "previously" something like this.

  10. Pete Twentythree says:

    As per Greg Bear's Slant from '95?

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