"In order to eliminate factors that could contribute to the fires' growth, we will cut the flow of oxygen in high-risk areas throughout the northern part of the state," California Public Utilities Commission president Marybel Batjer told reporters, explaining that the rolling "air-outs" would last 12 hours on average and residents would need to plan accordingly. "If each Californian can learn to make do without oxygen for just a day or two, we could avoid much of the devastation caused by wildfires. We understand this is a hardship, but it is simply too dangerous to allow open oxygen in fire-prone areas. Those requiring emergency supplies of air will be allowed to offset the shortage by cultivating hundreds of plants inside their home."
Batjer later confirmed that oxygen would continue flowing to all businesses deemed vital, including the headquarters of every major tech giant in or around Silicon Valley.
Previously, previously, previously, previously, previously, previously, previously, previously.
I, for one, welcome our new oxygen-withholding overlords.