How to speak Silicon Valley

53 essential tech-bro terms explained

airbnb (n) -- To illegally convert an apartment into a vacation rental in a city with an affordable housing crisis.

apology (n) -- A public relations exercise designed to change headlines. In practice, a promise to keep doing the same thing but conceal it better.

biohacking (n) -- When done by women, dieting. In extreme forms, an eating disorder.

cloud, the (n) -- Usually located in a city or town whose elected officials exchanged tens of millions of dollars in tax breaks for seven full-time security guard jobs.

free speech (ph) - A constitutionally protected right in the US that is primarily invoked by tech bros and internet trolls when they are asked to stop being assholes.

microdosing -- Taking small amounts of illegal drugs while white.

mission (n) -- What separates a tech bro and a finance bro: the tech bro works for a company that has a "mission".

monetize (v) -- To figure out how to extract money from people without their understanding or explicit consent.

off-site (n) -- Primarily used when describing a sexual harassment complaint.

revolutionize (v) -- To change something that does not need to be changed in order to charge money for its replacement.

scale (v) -- A surprisingly effective excuse not to do something that any non-tech company would do. "We would prefer not to foment genocide in Myanmar, but content moderation simply does not scale."

sharing economy (ph) - A system in which working does not mean being employed.

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2 Responses:

  1. MattyJ says:

    This may have been the first time I've laughed at a hyperlink. No, not what it linked to, but just the presence of the "Deprecated" hyper link in:

    "Don’t Be Evil (ph) Google’s original corporate motto. Deprecated"

  2. puggy says:

    I love this so much. Warmed me heart, it did.

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