Wealthy Americans Assure Populace That Heavily Armed Floating City Being Built Above Nation Has Nothing To Do With Anything

'Don't Worry About It,' Say Rich

HASTINGS, NE -- Saying it was definitely not a situation to get worked up about, the nation's wealthiest residents assured the rest of the American public Friday that the heavily armed city being built in the sky high above the central United States had nothing to do with anything and could just be ignored.

According to the richest 0.1 percent of Americans, the massive floating city, which now casts a shadow from Nebraska to Minnesota, is lined across its entire perimeter with visible gun turrets, can house 300,000 people in luxurious accommodations, and uses giant tubes to siphon up fresh water from the Great Lakes, was not anything anyone needed to be concerned about.

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8 Responses:

  1. Paul N says:

    Do you suppose they need a nightclub?

  2. Owen says:

    1970 sci fi told us how this would turn out. The wikipedia article kind of sucks, but the series of stories is about cities acquiring and then activating a bubble thing that lets them fly into space... the unlucky protagonist is part of the Scranton NJ city ship, but ends up in NY, hooray!?


  3. toad says:

    Either I had forgotten how good The Onion is at their game or the world has become such a dystopian hellscape that I had to hover over the link to see if this was a legit story.

    Por que no ambos?

    • Cat Mara says:

      Oh boy, I love me a good libertarian utopia play. Assuming someone doesn't just abscond with the cash before a single sod is turned, I say we give it six months, a year tops, then we go in and collect the bleached bones and feed 'em into the crusher. Anyone want to buy shares in a bonemeal startup? It's a growth industry, get in on the ground floor while you can...

  4. margaret says:

    Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain, John Galt speaking from the deck of the SS Ayn Rand. We are currently hovering 3 miles above the little people...

    • Jim says:

      Ahoy there, Galt, moor your ill-gotten sweatshop barges immediately, and prepare to be boarded. We're upgrading your classical liberalism to utilitarianism, patching up your epistemic leaks, and replacing your power train with the latest carbon negative model. Since you are a vehicle, you will owe no land value tax for this taxpayer-funded upgrade. Try to remember to sue Republicans for negligence as soon as you learn their affiliation.

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