Heck of a resumé you got there

4 years ago
Matthew G. Whitaker, Acting Attorney General:

In November 2014, a Miami Beach-based firm, World Patent Marketing, announced the "marketing launch" of a "MASCULINE TOILET," which boasted a specially designed bowl to help "well-endowed men" avoid unwanted contact with porcelain or water. "The average male genitalia is between 5″ and 6″," the firm's press release said. "However, this invention is designed for those of us who measure longer than that." [...]

The special toilet was not the firm's only notable offering. It marketed a slew of oddball inventions, including a "theoretical time travel commodity tied directly to price of Bitcoin." Called Time Travel X and marketed as "a technology, an investment vehicle and a community of users," the cryptocurrency never materialized.

The firm also pitched Sasquatch dolls, promoting them with a video claiming that "DNA evidence collected in 2013 proves that Bigfoot does exist."

Federal authorities say World Patent Marketing was scam. A federal judge shut down the company last year and fined it $26 million after the Federal Trade Commission found it had "bilked thousands of consumers out of millions of dollars" in fees it charged clients based on phony promises of lucrative patent deals. The company is under investigation by the FBI. [...]

In a December 2014 news release, Whitaker defended the firm. "As a former US Attorney, I would only align myself with a first class organization," he stated. [...]

In an August 2015 email, Whitaker invoked his status as a former US attorney to threaten a man who was planning to file a Better Business Bureau complaint against the company. "There could be serious civil and criminal consequences for you," Whitaker wrote in the email. [...]

The Washington Post reported Friday that Whitaker "played a role in trying to help the company silence critics" penned "a series of letters" threatening legal action while acting as outside counsel for the firm. [...] Whitaker refused to comply with an October 2017 FTC subpoena seeking his records related to the company. [...] The FTC's investigation concluded that World Patent Marketing suppressed complaints about the company through "threats, intimidation and gag clauses."

I rate him ten Scaramuccis out of a possible ten Scaramuccis.

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They are Justified, and Ancient.

4 years ago

The People's Pyramid: The Toxteth Day Of The Dead

The Justified Ancients of Mu Mu are building a pyramid.

The pyramid will be constructed of 34592 bricks.

Each brick in the pyramid will contain the ash of a dead person.

This process is called MuMufication.

  • The first MuMufied bricks of The People's Pyramid will be laid on its foundation stone, in Liverpool, on Toxteth Day Of The Dead, 2018.

  • Toxteth Day Of The Dead will take place on Friday 23 November, 2018, and will be marked on the same date, every year thereafter, in a variety of ways.

  • K2 Plant Hire Ltd's directors, Jimmy Cauty and Bill Drummond, will mark the 2018 instalment by revealing an Unexpected Item in Toxteth Town Hall.
  • This Unexpected Item will be available for inspection by the public between the hours of noon and 9pm on Friday 23 November, 2018.

  • In order to gain entrance to Toxteth Town Hall during these hours, members of the public (see T&Cs*) must present security staff with one full sized supermarket shopping trolley. The shopping trolley is non-returnable.

  • November 23, 2018, is, coincidentally, Black Friday. Therefore K2 Plant Hire Ltd have come up with an attractive range of one-time offers for those wishing to obtain MuMufication.

  • Meanwhile, 399 living people will be enlisted on a journey to forge Toxteth Day Of The Dead traditions that will withstand the next thousand years. The 399 may be casual bystanders or they may have taken part in Welcome To The Dark Ages in August 2017.

  • Either way, they will be expected to report to the entrance of Toxteth Town Hall at 15:00 precisely on Friday 23 November.

  • There will be free tea and mince pies served at Toxteth Town Hall, which will last as long as we all shall live or until they run out. Whichever occurs first.

  • There may be other occurrences throughout the day and night.

  • TO AVOID CONFUSION: The Justified Ancients of Mu Mu and The KLF are not the same thing. The Justified Ancients of Mu Mu have many responsibilities. One of those responsibilities is as undertakers.

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