Man Wins "Why Trump Shouldn't Go to Prison" Essay Contest

The man, Brett Kavanaugh, received his award for the winning essay at a ceremony at the White House on Monday night.

Kavanaugh's essay, which was distributed to the press shortly after he was announced as the winner, reads as follows: "Donald J. Trump should never go to prison because he is the President of the United States and the President of the United States is a very important person in the country. It would look bad if visitors from foreign countries came to the United States and asked, 'Where is your President?' and we had to say, 'He is in prison,' which in my opinion is another reason Donald J. Trump should not go to prison. For these reasons, if I am ever in a position to keep Donald J. Trump from going to prison, I will do that (keep him from going to prison)."

Shaking Kavanaugh's hand, Trump heaped praise on him for his "very, very beautiful" essay, calling it "maybe the best essay that has ever been written."

"I did not personally read it, but Ivanka read it aloud to me, and I thought it was fantastic," Trump said.

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9 Responses:

  1. Karellen says:

    Huh. When did the New Yorker step up its hiring game to the point where it managed to attract The Onion-level writers?

    • Ham Monger says:

      I haven't had the heart to look recently, but I assumed after the presidential election, all the writers for The Onion quit and devoted their lives to full-time drinking.

      For a while there, the Washington Post headlines looked like they were running stories from The Onion (they weren't, to forestall the obvious snark).

      Also, until I looked at the URL more closely, I was terrified that this was real, given that almost all US news reads like The Onion these days.

      • NT says:

        Left vs Right used to refer to where legislators sat. Now it refers to which cable TV channel you watch. The stupidities of Fox News are obvious, but what about the dangers of getting your news from a channel called "Comedy Central"? The reason US news reads like The Onion is because a large group of people in the US prefer to get their "news" from satirists, sugar coated with superiority and righteousness.

        • jwz says:

          Wait, what?

          I think you're confusing "a large group of people" with "a bunch of people I know". Comedy Central doesn't even appear on most TV ratings graphs because it's so far down in the noise. It's an order of magnitude.

          A "large group" of people also believe the earth is flat. A "large group" of people listen to NPR.

          Meanwhile, almost everyone else watches Fox News and votes to fuck you with switchblades.

          • NT says:

            Hm. I can't find comparative numbers, but I see a lot of statements saying that Colbert and The Daily Show are close to the top of their timeslots. It's true that they don't have a 24/7 audience like Fox.

            > almost everyone else watches Fox News and votes to fuck you with switchblades.

            If I'm reading the numbers correctly, Fox News viewership doesn't seem to exceed 2.5M, which is more than Colbert at 1M but a far cry from "almost everyone else" at 240M. Yes?

            As far as the switchblade thing goes, I guess you're not looking for converts. The Karl Rove "energize the faithful" approach to democracy is certainly fashionable. Is effective politics characterized by negotiation and compromise or by alternating bouts of winner-take-all? There are people who voted for Trump and are now aghast. Those people could be voting democrat this November if they felt heard. I know, it's adorable...

            • Nia Psaka says:

              OK, I'll bite.

              What do Democratic politicians need to do so that you feel heard?

              And what do random lefties on the internet need to do so that you feel heard?

              And if you have anything for the previous question, why is it up to us?

              I really want to know. If Jamie doesn't want this hijack, well, there's a link in my name, and I'm not hard to find around the net.

        • Ham Monger says:

          I didn't mean news had become more satirical. In this, the worst timeline, it has becoming impossible to differentiate pre-presidential-election The Onion headlines and articles about imaginary atrocities by elected officials misusing their power and current-day headlines and articles about atrocities that actually happen.

          Perhaps to you, this does mean articles have become more satirical. To me, it seems they're deadly serious, and reporting real events.

    • marijane says:

      Andy Borowitz has been writing for the New Yorker since 1998. They acquired the Borowitz Report in 2012.

  2. NT says:

    Volunteer fact-checker here: this is tagged as "humor" and "satire" on the original website.
    Great John McPhee essay about his New Yorker fact checkers.

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