Yub Jub Means "Devour the Weak"

An Authoritative Study of Ewoks, From the Field Notes of Davo Atten-Boru and Pladdo Cardigun, Exo-Naturalists

After several cycles of exhaustive fieldwork, we can unequivocally report that Ewoks are not the naïve companionable canopy dwellers initially reported by Alliance military sources, but rather a singularly violent, cunning species, driven by perpetual internecine combat and territory acquisition. [...]

Contrary to New Republic reportage, Ewoks possess a varied culture, centered on shamanistic cannibalism, carnal brutality, and the divi slatu, or "divine slaughter" -- their religio-cultural term for the hostile subjugation and ritualized consumption of rivals. [...]

Now the Ewoks have acquired access to starships, blasters, and other advanced Alliance technology -- as well as a penchant for consuming other sentient species -- we believe they will easily subjugate the other moons of Endor, and will expand their nascent power base into nearby habitable systems.

Furthermore, we believe a new boru warru or "blood-anointed warlord" may well appear in the next few galactic cycles, leading a divu slatu across the galaxy and literally devouring all who oppose them. As C3QP eloquently voiced in his final stilted communication, "There is a storm coming: a storm of fur and fury."

A counterpoint to the 1997 classic, "The Endor Holocaust":

The circumstances at the end of Return of the Jedi lead inevitably to an environmental disaster on the Endor moon. The explosion of a small artificial moon in low orbit sends a meteoric rain onto the ewok sanctuary, on a scale unmatched since Endor formed. [...]

No animal larger than a few kilograms and incapable of long sheltered hibernation could survive the Endorian calamity. The air might even have been poisoned and deoxygenated for a few years until simple plant life could return to growth. If so then it is possible that all animal life perished. In any case any ewok on the surface who was not equipped with impressive high-technology survival gear and a nuclear shelter must have died.

For those unfortunate beings not painlessly obliterated by the impact concussions, the initial night of celebration would linger on and on with days of darkness. A chill would fall, the waters would turn to ice and the vegetation would wilt into death or dormancy, depending on species. Provided that radioactivity was insignificant and the air remained modestly breathable (a very generous assumption) the doomed ewoks might survive for days or weeks huddling around bonfires, until they starved. [...]

The ewok population is effectively extinguished. Most were killed in a mass-extinction event affecting life on their homeworld, due to unavoidable fallout and debris from the destruction of the Death Star II. The Rebel Alliance is culpable but perhaps innocent. All ewoks would have been better off if the tribe which made contact with the rebels continued with their original plan of killing and eating the commando team's leaders. However once the shield fell and Jerjerrod began his attack, the ewok's best interests were served by the Alliance naval forces bringing about a swift destruction of the battle station; the chance of ecological devastation ameliorated by partial evacuation and rehabilitation is better than near-instantaneous obliteration of the whole moon.

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4 Responses:

  1. Jan Kujawa says:

    The important question, and one I'm fairly certain Chewbacca could answer, is does roast porg or ewok taste better?

  2. Nightbird says:

    I found the first scenario much more plausible than the second. What it leaves out is that the Ewoks are also very inquisitive, which is why the female rebel leader was eventually brought to the village alive, and not as a carcass to feed the other villagers.

    The limiting factor for the species was the inability to mine and smelt metals. Once they learned these skills, they would be on a path where the rest of the galaxy would regret that the second scenario did not take place!

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