Reviews of Moustaches that I could not finish watching

I tried to watch the remake of Murder on the Orient Express, and I just couldn't get past the moustache:

I mean look at that thing! I spent twenty minutes having that face-ferret pull me out of the movie: Is it real? Did he actually grow that? Did he grow part of it and glue part on? Is it CGI? Is it Superman's Missing Moustache?? I couldn't pay any attention to the movie: I was completely focused on that ridiculous growth. Eventually, after about twenty minutes, I acclimated to it, and could move on to more important things like the stunt-casting: "Wait, was that Johnny Depp? I think that was Johnny Depp but he wasn't playing Johnny Depp..." And then they spring this shit on us:

He's sleeping in a pink leather face-corset! That has its own moustache! What the hell is this? So there goes the next twenty minutes of the movie, wondering if this was actually A Thing, trying to talk myself out of picking up my phone and googling whether it was actually A Thing...

Actually I think I only lasted another ten minutes before I gave up. The plot was not nearly as loud as my internal dialogue.

(I did not google it.)

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20 Responses:

  1. Line Noise says:

    Moustache snood.

  2. CJ says:

    I've absolutely seen moustache-protecting sleepwear things like that before, but it's entirely possible that I've only seen them in other renditions of Poirot (ie: David Suchet).

    But yeah, that moustache is... a thing, isn't it?

    • cxed says:

      I just watched the entire catalog of Suchet Poirot last year and I do not remember seeing anything like moustache armor. I feel like it would have made more of an impression on me than Poirot's bidet (which was a thing) that perplexed Chief Inspector Japp. Checked with my wife (better memory) and she agrees.

      • CJ says:

        Ah, could've been somewhere else that I'd seen 'em, then. It's been awhile for me with the Suchet series. That link below from "D" seems familiar, perhaps that's where I'd seen it before.

    • Leonardo Herrera says:

      It overcomes every objectionable feature of a mustache

      I just love that sentence.

  3. raven says:

    "The damp brings the terrible specter of droop to the flourishing mustache," he says. "With this much upward sweep, that's a disaster."

  4. tfb says:

    Not real, not CGI: something glued on I think.

  5. Stephen says:

    On the other hand, I felt Norwegian Robert Johansson's moustache made the Winter Olympic ski jumping more compelling.

  6. On a side note, I've had the same feeling but with his accent.
    He's supposed to be a french speaker, has a french accent when talking in english, though as a native speaker it was hard / annoying to try and understand what he was saying in french.

    Is that so hard to find a french comedian ? Are we so bad at acting ??

    • dzm says:

      Is that so hard to find a french comedian ? Are we so bad at acting ??

      Well ... if you gotta ask ...

    • Rae says:

      You know that's Kenneth Branagh, right?not to defend his French accent. Just that he also directed this movie and probably just really wanted to play One Of The Great Characters of Literature. Also everyone British thinks that every British actor is superior to an actor of any other nationality apparently.

      • Just that he also directed this movie

        I missed that ! Playing the most known character in his own movie seems quite fair
        I wonder how english people react to french that are trying to have an english accent. I personally find english ppl trying to act french very irritating

        • Aidan Kehoe says:

          French people speaking English, even attempting English accents, tend to retain very clear French accents, chiefly because French doesn’t have lexical stress and so you cock up multiple multi-syllabic words per sentence in English by mis-stressing them.

          An English-speaker wouldn’t notice, or might even be appreciative that the French speaker is making an effort to be understood, in the situation you describe.

    • eric says:

      not to quibble, but Poirot is Belgian. I don't know the availability of Belgian comedians though.

  7. Rich says:

    The daft moustache and mini-merkin goatee aren't even the worst of his get-up. I didn't get as far as watching the trailer, because after seeing the publicity photos of this awful Branagh chap all togged up like a Warld Waste Sharif, I couldn't help thinking Ze turned-down collar is ze first sign of decay of ze grey cells!

    Suchet's Murder on the Orient Express is triumphal. Watch that instead.

  8. chet says:

    Not for nothing, Albert Finney sports a nighttime-mustache-protector in the 1974 version as well. However, he made do with a more hair-net styled device.

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