Reviews of Moustaches that I could not finish watching

I tried to watch the remake of Murder on the Orient Express, and I just couldn't get past the moustache:

I mean look at that thing! I spent twenty minutes having that face-ferret pull me out of the movie: Is it real? Did he actually grow that? Did he grow part of it and glue part on? Is it CGI? Is it Superman's Missing Moustache?? I couldn't pay any attention to the movie: I was completely focused on that ridiculous growth. Eventually, after about twenty minutes, I acclimated to it, and could move on to more important things like the stunt-casting: "Wait, was that Johnny Depp? I think that was Johnny Depp but he wasn't playing Johnny Depp..." And then they spring this shit on us:

He's sleeping in a pink leather face-corset! That has its own moustache! What the hell is this? So there goes the next twenty minutes of the movie, wondering if this was actually A Thing, trying to talk myself out of picking up my phone and googling whether it was actually A Thing...

Actually I think I only lasted another ten minutes before I gave up. The plot was not nearly as loud as my internal dialogue.

(I did not google it.)

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China wages war on funeral strippers

The Ministry of Culture said last month that it was targeting "striptease" and other "obscene, pornographic, and vulgar performances" at funerals, weddings and traditional Chinese New Year public gatherings.

Some communities in rural China reportedly believe that bigger attendances at funerals help to honour the dead and bring them good fortune. But some experts say the erotic shows pay tribute to fertility. [...]

Reports say the new campaign involves people being offered financial rewards to contact a special "hotline" to report "funeral misdeeds". [...]

"In recent decades," the Global Times said on Tuesday, "Chinese rural households are more inclined to show off their disposable incomes by paying out several times their annual income for actors, singers, comedians, and - most recently, strippers - to comfort the bereaved and entertain the mourners."

I am of course immediately reminded of Harvey Pitnik's Funeral from Amazon Women on the Moon. "Held over! Second big week!"

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Gucci Fall 2018 Ready-to-Wear

Alessandro Michele:

A procession of transhumans, walking in trancelike step through a suite of operating theaters: Bolted together from the clothing of many cultures, they were Alessandro Michele's metaphor for how people today construct their identities -- a population undergoing self-regeneration through the powers of tech, Hollywood, Instagram, and Gucci. "We are the Dr. Frankenstein of our lives," said Michele. "There's a clinical clarity about what I am doing." Someone was cradling a baby dragon. A couple of people had replicas of their own heads tucked under their arms.



This exists, and yet 2049 and Altered Carbon looked like 1992. Even in an environment where moviemakers think that "worldbuilding" means "graphic design" instead of "economics and history", they have failed the future.

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When you're such a sociopath that your staff hands you cue cards explaining how to feign empathy.

It's the embroidered cuffs that really lock in that "empathy" dollar.
That's a big dollar, huge dollar.

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