BREAKING: Nobody masturbates while waiting to die in nuclear fire.

They jerk it hard upon "all clear", however.

On Saturday January 13, residents all across Hawaii received a text message at 8:07am stating that a ballistic missile was on it's way to their island and advised they should take shelter immediately. [...] We can't begin to imagine what would go through someone's mind after reading that message, but based purely on the traffic numbers, it's NOT to be watching porn.

Based on real-time, per-minute pageviews, and compared to levels on the previous two Saturdays, our statisticians found a precipitous drop in traffic at 8:07am immediately after the warning was sent out. By 8:23am, traffic was a massive -77% below that of a typical Saturday. As residents were notified around 8:45 that the initial warning was sent in error, traffic began to return to normal and Hawaiians collectively breathed a sigh of relief. Those seeking further relief, headed back to Pornhub where pageviews surged +48% above typical levels at 9:01am.

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2 Responses:

  1. Rainbird says:

    I think the real lesson here is 23% of people still go at it, missiles or no missiles.

  2. Mr. Otingocni says:

    Amateurs

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