BREAKING: Nobody masturbates while waiting to die in nuclear fire.

They jerk it hard upon "all clear", however.

On Saturday January 13, residents all across Hawaii received a text message at 8:07am stating that a ballistic missile was on it's way to their island and advised they should take shelter immediately. [...] We can't begin to imagine what would go through someone's mind after reading that message, but based purely on the traffic numbers, it's NOT to be watching porn.

Based on real-time, per-minute pageviews, and compared to levels on the previous two Saturdays, our statisticians found a precipitous drop in traffic at 8:07am immediately after the warning was sent out. By 8:23am, traffic was a massive -77% below that of a typical Saturday. As residents were notified around 8:45 that the initial warning was sent in error, traffic began to return to normal and Hawaiians collectively breathed a sigh of relief. Those seeking further relief, headed back to Pornhub where pageviews surged +48% above typical levels at 9:01am.

Previously, previously, previously, previously, previously, previously, previously, previously, previously, previously, previously, previously, previously, previously, previously.

Tags: , , , ,

2 Responses:

  1. Rainbird says:

    I think the real lesson here is 23% of people still go at it, missiles or no missiles.

  2. Mr. Otingocni says:

    Amateurs

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. But if you provide a fake email address, I will likely assume that you are a troll, and not publish your comment.

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <code> <em> <i> <s> <strike> <strong> <img src="" width="" height="" style=""> <iframe src="" class=""> <video src="" class="" controls="" loop="" muted="" autoplay="" playsinline=""> <div class=""> <blink> <tt> <u>, or *italics*.

  • Previously