Batman Returns

This is a pretty solid argument that Batman Returns is The World's Greatest Christmas Movie.

Though I may be unduly swayed by all the Catwoman GIFs.

  1. Forget Christmas carols or sweet scenes of family harmony. Batman Returns begins with a Pee-Wee Herman cameo and two rich jerks pitching their cat-eating baby into a river to drown.

  2. Monstrous infant -- so screamy and wild -- does not die, but rather slides down the dark sewers of Gotham City to a colony of penguins. It's a holiday miracle!

  1. Oh, Penguin. How preposterous that this gross man with disgusting eating habits, tiny hands, awful hair, repugnant behavior, and no prior political experience could be considered a viable candidate! Oh, wait. Oh GOD.

  2. Batman's out battling evil clowns. Catwoman's out smashing the patriarchy.
  1. Selina was killed by her boss for being "too good" at her job. Catwoman is killed by the Penguin for rejecting his sexual advances. When she screams, she shatters the glass ceiling.

  1. This monstrous man, who feels he's entitled to women's bodies and owed wealth and power, sees his political prospects dashed when a disturbing audio tape revealing his atrocious true colors is played for the public. What a delightful fantasy world this is!
  1. Once the whole "kill the children" plan fails, Penguin spins in an instant to Plan C, which involves strapping missiles to the backs of hundreds of penguins. Which means he had hundreds of missiles and penguin straps at the ready. Which means Penguin had this contingency plan in his pocket all along. It's like he didn't even really care about being mayor. It's like he just wanted the attention, not the responsibility. Can you imagine a man as monstrous as that?

  2. Penguin is Trump is what I'm saying.

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2 Responses:

  1. Jim Sweeney says:

    This is beautiful.

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