Carter Page: Hello. I am a doctor and a scholar, and I am here about the world premiere of the dodgy dossier that inexplicably made all kinds of charges against me, an innocent man who has never met anyone directly in my life! I have been illegally wiretapped by the FBI, CIA and other U.S. propaganda agencies, and my life has been ruined. I must be continually on the move, like a shark. I have done nothing wrong, but I will answer none of the questions put to me, because I have been studying the law. I am, as I said, a scholar. Here is a letter. I know it looks like a scrawl in red crayon, but trust me -- it is a letter about the CIA's illegal dossier. [...]
Rooney: Did you ever meet Mr. Trump?
Page: No. Never. I've met him in my heart. Never in my life, except on the television. And at rallies. I think he is beautiful and has a lot to teach all of us.
Trey Gowdy: So, you were a volunteer, unpaid, informal, unofficial. What was your role, exactly?
Page: Sometimes I would stand outside the glass window of the Trump campaign and look in admiringly, but I never ventured to set foot inside. I was not involved in any way, except I did sign a non-disclosure agreement, it will turn out, and met repeatedly with Sam Clovis. Honestly, no one wants me to be involved, ever. All my emails to them were unwelcome and went unreturned. I never went to Trump Tower, except for the fly-swatter incident. Whenever I showed up at Trump Tower, they would shoo me away with a big fly-swatter. One or two times or maybe eight. Ninety times. I never spoke directly to Donald Trump.
Gowdy: Why do you keep saying "directly"? How else would you speak to a person?
Page: Listen, Trey, we can speak as one lawyer to another. I am an expert in the law after taking a mail-order course in what I believe is known as the Law of the Sea, and I know a man must choose his words wisely.
Page: Listen, you have to live your life. I went to a gathering of scholars at the New Economic School, and everyone I met there was a scholar, although it would be fairer to say that I greeted them than that I met them. I don't remember who any of them were. Some were lifelong friends.
Schiff: What is a scholar? You keep describing yourself as a scholar, but I am not sure that word means what you think it means.
Page: I would define scholar very loosely to include the Russian deputy prime minister, several senior officers of Russian energy companies, and also myself, but really I only spoke to the man on the street.
Schiff: The man on the street.
Page: The television, mostly, and I went to some speeches. And I did greet that man in passing who I would later discover to my horror was the deputy prime minister. For three seconds, tops. But mostly the television.
For anyone who doesn't want to curl up with 243 pages of testimony and footnoted letters, here is pretty much how the thing went, severely condensed: