Keith Broni, Emoji Translator

Keith Broni, Emoji Translator

Thanks to his master's degree in business psychology from University College London, Broni understands the growing importance of emojis to consumer marketing and communications. But they are not without their potential pitfalls.

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Recent movies

The Lure: This is the greatest carnivorous mermaid musical that I've ever seen. It falls down a bit in the third act, but before that it's just fantastic. Highly recommended.

What Happened to Monday? In answer to your query, "I don't give a shit". It's a terrible knock-off of Orphan Black starring a vastly lesser actor. Seven identical twins are all pretending to be one person and each putting on a wig and leaving the house and going to work one day a week for 38 years. The unaddressed questions that will occur to you in the first two minutes are: How does she/they have an accent that is different from every other character in the movie? And, given that their only downtime contact is with each other and their father, why do they bother dying their hair different colors? I'd think that after let's say year 19 you'd get pretty tired of dealing with that shit and just all have the same haircut.

War For The Planet Of The Apes: I remember watching this and thinking it wasn't as terrible as I expected, but I now couldn't tell you a thing that happened in it. Oh, I do remember thinking, "How many species of ape are there, anyway? Are they just making shit up now?"

The Vault: Worthless heist movie. Nothing of merit happened here.

Baby Driver: Worthless heist movie. Nothing of merit happened here. This is by-the-numbers crap, and I can't understand why so many people talked it up so much. Yeah, it's shot like a video, but most heist movies are shot like videos. The lead is a dimwitted man-child whose whose sunglasses pass for depth, I guess? Why. Why does this exist.

The Osiris Child: It felt like I just watched 5 seasons of an anime and didn't give a shit about any of it. Like most anime, it left me thinking, that's a detailed generic background and there seems to be some backstory here but who are these people and why should I care?

The Hitman's Bodyguard: I assume this was made entirely of Deadpool 2 outtakes, but as such, it's a surprisingly fun buddy road-trip movie. Samuel L. Jackson does his Samuel L. Jackson impression and that's just fine.

Singularity: Well, I covered this turd in my Valerian review.

It Comes at Night: An unsatisfying movie that never reveals its Big Bad and whose premise is, "People's mistrust of each other gets them all killed". When The Twilight Zone did this theme over and over again at least they gave you someone to vaguely care about.

Ingrid Goes West: It's a movie about a creepy Instagram stalker, and much less of a comedy than the trailer indicates. It's Single White Female where everyone is just a little more dimwitted, venal and terrible. I enjoyed it a lot. I wonder if Instagram paid for this product placement. I wonder if they understood it.

Batman and Harley Quinn: This is excellent, and very funny. It's nice to see the real Harley again. I'm glad that DC is apparently segmented enough that they are still able to make competent animated movies without their live-action shitshow spilling over into the one thing that they did well.

A Dark Song: A slow movie about a pair of people conducting a multi-month magical ritual. It's creepy, unpleasant, abusive, and I'm not sure I'd say I actually enjoyed it, but it's certainly something I haven't really seen before.

Darling: This is a good looking movie, but the plot is paper thin. It was just kind of gross and cruel.

Thor Ragnarok: This was just perfect for what it was. It makes you interested in Thor. How did they even do that?

TV:

The Orville: I barely made it through the first episode, and it filled me with rage. Someone gave this shithead a budget to cosplay Star Trek with the premise, "You know what would have made Trek better? If Kirk was a racist drunk who hates his ex wife." Fuck that show. This review nailed it.

Extiinct: I saw this extremely Canadian-looking Riverworld kind off thing pop up on one of the torrent sites and gave it a shot, and then in the opening credits I realized my terrible mistake when I saw "A BYU-TV Production" and "Orson Scott Card". Oh nooooooo.... I hate-watched it for about ten minutes and it was even worse than you can possibly imagine. But! This is an apocalyptic sci-fi piece-of-shit literally paid for by a church and I'm not talking about Battlefield Earth. So it's good to see that the Mormons and the Scientologists are still playing "hold my beer".

Philip K. Dick's Electric Dreams: This kind of thing is the kind of thing that I like, but I couldn't make it all the way through any of the first three episodes. This is just remarkably awful.

Channel Zero: No-End House: This is pretty decent and creepy, and much better than the (unrelated, plot-wise) first season. It's only six episodes long, and it probably should have been four, but it's worth a look.

The Inhumans: I think I've adequately covered this already, but just as an epilogue, I was 100% sure they were going to magically grow Medusa's hair back for a boss battle at the end of the series finale, but no, they didn't even squirrel away the $50 they needed for the effects to do that. She was bald and powerless for the entire series. (She did not fight a giant spider.)

The Gifted: Even though this shares a lot of paint-by-numbers plot with (the utterly deplorable) Heroes -- "anti-mutant dad realizes kids are mutants and the family goes on the run, because family family it's all about family" -- it's not bad. Much about it is full-bore cliché, but so far they comport themselves well. Ok, that's faint praise. It's no Legion, I guess I'm saying.

People of Earth: A bunch of people are in a support group for alien abductees. The aliens are complete boneheads who are bad at their jobs. Everyone involved in the production of this show clearly spends a lot of time stoned. But it's pretty funny.

Preacher: Season 2 was not nearly as good as season 1. They were charming assholes in the first season, but now they're just kind of regular assholes.

The Tick: It's exactly what you need from a Tick series. I give it 7 out of a possible 10 Ticks.

Travelers: Time travelers from the future trying to something-something-something MacGuffin, but the kink is that they can only show up here by overwriting someone else's brain, which they try to do in the last minutes of that person's life. (George from Dead Like Me is not involved.) The big failure of this show is that we know nothing about these characters' actual backstory, so all we have is their cover identity, which makes their personalities weird and wooden. The first season was a so-so caper-of-the-week kind of deal, but the second season is going a bit better. I have hopes for their Big Bad.

Mr. Robot: I'm still enjoying it, but I'm worried that they're running out of steam. Also, this season they've been hinting at... a thing... and I'm sitting here thinking, "No. No. Please god no. Don't do the thing." I'm experiencing a "Matrix Revolutions" level of dread that they might do the thing.

Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency: Season 1 was kind of... whatever, but I am really loving season 2. It's completely bonkers.

The Punisher: Hey wow, it's another show starring Gun Guy. It's great that the world's more boring superhero Gun Guy is getting some more screen time.

Ok, first of all, this show is boring. Didn't he already get revenge on his wife's killers like three separate times already? They keep pulling the, "Oh, just kidding, really it was these other guys" switch. I don't care.

Second, given the extremely suboptimal timeline we're living in, and how beloved Gun Guy is by nazis, cops and other racists, how does someone think that making a show about their hero is... a good plan? "But he's not a hero, he's an anti-hero that bad people are all misinterpreting!" people will say. No, I'm sorry, that's false. Gun Guy is the hero of this story. He only mass-murders bad people, while having exactly the same contempt for the rule of law as Daredevil, Batman and every other vigilante. The "anti-hero" claim does not hold up at all, not in the story they told here.

And in case there was any doubt that the entire story is a dick-swinging contest, there are two separate scenes where two different guys make first-person jokes about the size of their dicks. That's 2/3rds of the male leads in this show literally talking to the camera about their dicks. The other 1/3rd has a wall full of machine guns.

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Teeth

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Today in Skydong news

NAVY ADMITS TO BEING INVOLVED IN OBSCENE SKYDRAWINGS:

Navy officials said, "The Navy holds its aircrew to the highest standards and we find this absolutely unacceptable, of zero training value and we are holding the crew accountable."

Photos sent to KREM 2 by multiple sources show skydrawings of what some people are saying is male genitalia.

Heresay! Pernicious nonsense!

Some sources have even tweeted pictures of what they saw.

They what now. Tweeted! Why I never.

A mother who lives in Okanogan who took pictures of the drawings reached out to KREM 2 to complain about the images, saying she was upset she might have to explain to her young children what the drawings were.

That does sound like quite a ... pickle.

What do you call pareidolia for dongs? Pareidonglia?

KREM 2 spoke to the Federal Aviation Administration to get some information about who may have made the drawings. FAA officials said unless the act poses a safety risk, there is nothing they can do about. The official said they "cannot police morality."

This response, I must say, actually surprises me.

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Earth & Moon

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Atlas Murderbot can do goddamned backflips now

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Slaughterbots

Slaughterbots

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DNA Lounge update

DNA Lounge update, wherein cassettes are very big right now.
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Raven Kwok

Homebrew Icosphere:

Many other fine videos here.

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Fungus At The Wheel

Today in Ophiocordyceps unilateralis news:

David Hughes wants to know exactly how this puppet master controls its puppets -- and his latest experiments suggest that it's even more ghoulish than it first appears. [...]

Hughes's team found that fungal cells infiltrate the ant's entire body, including its head, but they leave its brain untouched. [...] Hughes thinks the fungus might also exert more direct control over the ant's muscles, literally controlling them "as a puppeteer controls as a marionette doll." Once an infection is underway, he says, the neurons in the ant's body -- the ones that give its brain control over its muscles -- start to die. Hughes suspects that the fungus takes over.

It effectively cuts the ant's limbs off from its brain and inserts itself in place, releasing chemicals that force the muscles there to contract. If this is right, then the ant ends its life as a prisoner in its own body. Its brain is still in the driver's seat, but the fungus has the wheel.

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