Sometimes I continue watching TV shows just so I can be angry at them. It's probably not healthy.

The Inhumans: This show is garbage in just so many ways, but let me call out a few items that particularly infuriate me.

  • Drywall:

    Here is what the ceiling in Crystal's room looks like, her room on the moon -- on the moon:

    That's drywall! Studs 16 inches on center with recessed sockets! I can't look at that without seeing California Title 24 post-2013 low-energy lighting standards. Now I realize this show has no budget, but come on. Even Dr. Who -- Dr. Who in the 1970s -- didn't cheap out this badly.

    Compare and contrast to this shot from the upcoming Thor movie:

    That's drywall and $10 of paint, but it is Kirby as Fuck! Find the person who did that! They are already on your org chart! They probably work in your building!

    I mean, to be generous, at least her apartment's "2015 Airbnb rental in the Financial District" look does match her character's complete absence of personality.

  • Lockjaw:

    You have a show where one of the characters is an elephant-sized, teleporting, drooling bulldog. How is this not the star of the show? More specifically, how is this not the most charming thing in the world? How did they manage to make Lockjaw boring? This is a freebie, how did you screw that up??

    Also, CGI bulldog, seriously? Wouldn't it have been cheaper to just composite in a real bulldog? If you did that it might have had some personality and not looked like it was half melted all the time.

  • Medusa's Hair:

    It's a given that Medusa's hair was going to be a disaster. It's an absolutely nonsensical, ridiculous idea, how can you even do that live-action without it being comedy? Also, it's an expensive effect! So they solved that problem by... shaving her head for the whole season. WHAT. It's like the story Kevin Smith told about the Jon Peters Superman movie: "I don't want to see him in that suit. No flying. And he has to fight a giant spider in the third act." Other than that, yeah, that's totally Superman, you've nailed the essence of the character!

  • Hot Librarian:

    "Have Central Casting send over a Scientistess!" You know the character, she's wearing big black glasses but she hasn't taken the scrunchie out of her long, straight blonde ponytail yet, so you can't tell she's "hot". Is this actually the same actor playing Hot Librarian in Arrow? Because it's sure the same character, the same writing, and possibly decanted from the same clone vat. Stop doing this.

  • "Friend? What Is Friend?"

    They live in a secret city on the moon. They all speak perfect English, with only a slight Ren Faire accent. They know all about Earth, in particular, current events involving humans on Earth mutating. So they land on Earth, and now:

    • They don't understand what money is.
    • They think ATMs are speech-operated and just give it out for free.
    • Somehow announcing that you are Queen of a secret city that nobody on Earth has heard of will convince the mean old ATM to comply.
    • But! Medusa recognizes a helicopter by sight and calls it by the proper name.
    • And thinks you can chase them with cars.
    • Oh but Ramsay Bolton secretly owns a corporation? A secret Medical Research Murder Corporation? That just happens to be in the same place that everyone ended up.

    HOW do you write this badly? Does this show not even have a backstory written down? Seriously how do you fuck this up? Does your showrunner's wall not have any post-it notes on it at all?

    So which is it? Do they watch our TV, regularly receive shipments from Earth of drywall and UL-listed lighting fixtures? Or are they 15th century Brigadoon Monarchists recently emerged from their cave?


    The only remaining thing that is any good about this show is the cityscape wipes. Even Penguin is boring now. He was the only good part, how did they make him boring?

    Seriously, the cityscape that appears in the scene transitions is the most interesting character in the show. They should just put it in leather pants and give it a knife, like Victor Zsasz.

    I'm curious about whether they have one massive digital model of the city, or whether they still composite these by hand. Do all the fake buildings have names and street addresses? That model would be an irresistible rathole to me.

    Designing Gotham: how the look and feel of Batman's home came to be:

    We do find other areas that need no help to look like Gotham, and we go far and wide to do it. There are warehouses and old buildings and docks along the waterfront in Brooklyn that still have that feeling. We shoot a lot, funnily enough, in Staten Island, because Staten Island in some areas hasn't experienced the architectural resurgence that Manhattan has. We also tend to find perfect Gotham that doesn't need to be messed with under bridges and overpasses. Those areas really feel like the city has you in its hold. [...]

    There's an enormous day and night translucent backing that surrounds Barbara Kean's apartment -- a gigantic background photograph, really. It's a composite of photographs of buildings from various cities that were carefully chosen for their Gotham-like feeling, and then manipulated digitally to bring the Gotham look to it that we wanted.

    Most of the photographs are from New York, although we eliminate specific landmarks that are associated with New York. You may see Chrysler-like buildings, but you won't see the Chrysler building. We even do that on a day-to-day basis as we're shooting in the city. We try not to feature the Empire State building.

    That aside, Batman Muppet Babies is not a good show.

PS, speaking of stories where The City is (or should be) a primary character, I'm still sad and angry over the new Blade Runner, but I haven't written down my massive list of grievances yet.

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12 Responses:

  1. Doctor Memory says:

    It's almost charming how DisMarvel keeps exuding flop-sweat trying to make the Inhumans -- a set of third-tier Fantastic Four supporting characters that Kirby probably forgot about 6 seconds after drawing the last power-dot around them and knocking off to the bar to get loaded and beat up nazis -- into an actual thing that people will pay money to read and watch. And literally no number of continuous decades of total failure at this project will dissuade them.

  2. MrSpookTower says:

    Where the fuck do you find all the time to run a club, make playlists, write code, watch and review movies, watch TV shows, etc., etc., etc.?

  3. Logan Bowers says:

    Blade Runner, I think, would be a great movie if it wasn't in the Blade Runner universe. The human story was well-told, but it doesn't fit with the BR universe at all. Like, okay, replicants aren't allowed on Earth (BR1). But then there's an uprising and a new corporation is like, "we totally fixed them they're good now," and society was all, "okay, let's just have them live among us now and pretend they were never dangerous at all." What?

    • MattyJ says:

      It could have used more Sylvia Hoeks kicking people in the face. I could have watched two plus hours of that.

      I'm not even sure her character actually kicked anyone in the face, but she should have.

    • anon3494 says:

      Same problem with the Robocop reboot. An OK movie that would have been better untethered from the fanservice baggage.

    • ennui says:

      A man who has a sex doll is pathetic.
      A man who falls in love with his sex doll is so pathetic it's funny/scary (see: Dennis Hopper)
      What do you say about a man whose sex doll falls in love with him?

      The ironic thing is that Ryan Gosling has been down this hole before in 'Lars and the Real Girl' and was allowed to be a total loser for that one. But in BladeRunner-Neu he's Pinnochio who keeps an AI as a sex-slave at home, yet he's a killing machine that everyone wants to fuck, including his stone-cold butch boss. The "human" story here was NOT well told.

      It was a lot like 'Valerian,' where you could sort of see a story in there but the director's weird hang-ups, total lack of imagination, and unbelievable misogyny got in the way. The loud synth-pads were kind of cool tho...

  4. Winston says:

    Hey, if you really want something to hate, why not watch the finale of "Halt and Catch Fire"? These guys working on a way cool web (or "rad", as Gordon puts it) portal called "Comet" get leaked a copy of the beta Netscape source code so that they can make Comet load way faster, thus persuading Jim Clark to make them the gateway to the Web. "Make it so that we store recurrent common images in the Netscape cache" suggests Joe, or possibly "Slap it with a phased Verteron pulse", only to get slapped down by the genius programmer Cameron pointing out that "Netscape doesn't support that". Shortly after that, Joe notices the "Net Directory" button on the toolbar, which leads straight to Yahoo. He realises that the game is up, now that Yahoo rather than Comet has got the web sewn up, and disbands the company a few minutes later, heading off into the sunset to become a professor of humanities. It's brilliant!

  5. jwz says:
    Also, apparently the writers determined that if you are a Moon Queen, the way to convey that is just be a complete asshole literally all the time, to everybody.
    Ok but I'm not sure that's inaccurate?
    Oh sure, we know more Moon Queens than most people, but they aren't necessarily all horrible.
  6. Man, Inhumans is criminally bad. It doesn't even ride that fine line Agents of SHIELD does where it's bad, but not so bad I hate it. It's just bad.

    I gave up on Gotham right away. The DC shows are all basically unwatchable.

  7. anon3494 says:

    I am also hate-watching Inhumans. It is hard. My 8 year old likes the dog. I am having trouble believing that Anson Mount is not Jim Caviezel. The Hot Librarians is not the same one as Arrow, but I also thought that for a few moments.
    I have not been hate-watching Arrow yet this season.

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