Total Deductibility

Calvinist Health Insurance Company Declares All Conditions Pre-Existing

SANFORD, FL -- A newly formed health insurance company owned by a group of devoted Calvinists announced that they will not cover any health condition, since every condition of humankind was pre-existing and established by sovereign God before the foundation of time.

The company, Total Deductibility, states clearly in its bylaws that "pre-existing conditions may not be covered, which include every possible ailment and so-called 'accident,' all of which God foreknew and predestined to occur prior to the existence of the client's policy, and time itself." The firm was thrilled when the new GOP health care law, which drops the requirement to cover some pre-existing conditions, passed the House, according to a company spokesperson.

"We can now reject every single claim, based on its pre-existing status," she told reporters. "Whether or not the client was aware of the condition has no bearing; God sovereignly pre-arranged every condition before the dawn of the universe, and therefore we must refuse all claims based on this truth."

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5 Responses:

  1. Carson says:

    Just to be clear, you realize Babylon Bee is a religion oriented Onion, right?

    • jwz says:

      And here I thought this article was utterly factual!

      As has been written in prophecy.

      • Not Frank says:

        I miss the days when a health insurance company that covered nothing was an obvious parody.

      • Jonathan says:

        It's entirely plausible, which makes it all the funnier. In the UK at least (I imagine it's an international thing) Insurance companies in non-health fields will pull "Act of God" as a last-ditch "we will not cover you" bullshit excuse.

        This happened to my parents a couple of decades ago: someone else's wall fell down on their van, crushing it utterly. The insurance company refused to replace the van, citing "Act of God": they (or another clone evil corp) did, however, replace the wall.