"This Red Band Trailer For A $100M House Makes Me Want To Be A Socialist"

Have you ever wondered what would happen if a 'Cinemax After Dark' special, a James Bond movie, the Guy On Hollywood Boulevard Whose Whole Body Is Covered In Gold Paint, and the gnawing emptiness of late-stage capitalism screwed in the backseat of a very high-end car and then gave birth to a three-minute Red Band trailer for, um, a house?

Well, WONDER NO MORE, for this has happened:

Yes, the above is a "trailer" for Opus, a $100 million "state of the art dream home" currently for sale in Los Angeles. We "wanted to do something really high art," a spokesperson for the home told LAist in reference to the short film. The house has Roberto Cavalli flooring, a 15-seat curved screen theater with JBL Synthesis Audio, two massive bars -- one of which has a "Winestation" that preserves and dispenses glasses with the exact amount and temperature desired -- a gourmet show kitchen with an iPad-controlled coffee machine, Longhi doors in suede and embossed leather, and a separate catering/event kitchen.

The video begins with a shot of the giant, looming "O" that stands in front of the house, presumably in reference to Opus, the home's name [...] JK! The "O" irrefutably stands for "orgasm," which is what a human being would have every minute of every day if they had $100 million to spare on a sex home.

Previously, previously, previously, previously, previously, previously, previously.

Tags: , , ,

22 Responses:

  1. phuzz says:

    What kind of peasant buys a house that doesn't have it's own introductory film?
    How else will the hoi polloi know how much better you are than they?

  2. Heather says:

    First of all, that kitchen/living room is an exact replica of the one in Bojack Horseman. Second of all, what kind of Lynchian nightmare IS this?! Also NSFW, jeebus.

  3. Ted Mielczarek says:

    Jesus. How far up capitalism's asshole would you have to be to make this and think it was a good idea?

    The DSA should just play this as an ad for socialism.

    • Elusis says:

      It's like an ad for people who want to be first against the wall when the revolution comes.

  4. This house would really shine as a homicide crime scene or as a target for a cruise missile.

  5. This is just someone figuring out the most effective way to market real estate to money laundering Russian oligarchs.

  6. apm74 says:

    This is why Trump won.

  7. David Mercer says:

    In addition to the resemblance to the BoJack Horseman house in some respects, as noted above...it looks like that one had a baby with Notch's ridiculous place in LA

  8. Doodpants says:

    Someone really needs to edit this video to insert Opus the penguin into various shots, like it's his house.

  9. UnlikelyLass says:

    Good Grief. We're all going to die so these *ssh*les can one-up each other util the Earth is an uninhabitable wasteland.

  10. behindthedriver says:

    I can't help but think how outdated and crappy a lot of these things are going to seem in a relatively short amount of time. In 10 years telling someone you control your junk with an iPad could seem like telling them you're using a palm pilot now.

    Maybe I'm some kind of outlier but if I had 100 million to spend on a house I'd want a video showing how they've come up with plumbing that never breaks or double pane glass that never gets moisture trapped between the two panes.

    • jwz says:

      Uh, I think if you have $100M for your sex house, you just get a new house when the glass on the coke table gets stained.

      You don't actually get a look at the house until 60 seconds in! The house is secondary.

    • Glaurung says:

      "if I had 100 million to spend on a house I'd want a video showing how they've come up with plumbing that never breaks"

      Available in Canada, for a lot less than 100 million:
      http://holmesapprovedhomes.com/approved-builders/all-builders

    • Chris says:

      It constantly amazes me how advanced Manitoba's window industry is compared to the rest of the world. Triple-pane is standard and nothing gets in there. It might be the only thing we do well.

    • k3ninho says:

      I thought about the 'if I had $100M to spend' thread, thanks for kicking things off.

      Fo $100M, I might go for fewer female gold people with blonde hair and a wider mix of identifying and non-identifying genders, people groups and ethnic heritages sharing the "art space". From what I hear however much you start with, you end up on Patreon seeking funding when the money runs out.

      K3n.

  11. Mario says:

    Why do they need to do this? Isn't there enough demand for homes in Beverly Hills? Is this like when the Medellin cartel started building submarines - because they were desperate?

  12. thielges says:

    The golden bubbly water just after 1:00 is reminiscent of Andres Serrano's Piss Christ. Maybe the seller ought to buy that piece and hang it for staging. Fits in with the golden theme.

  13. Jon Bailey says:

    Tiny giraffe to be supplied by purchaser.

    ... While checking all the "Previously"s it occurred to me that some sort of mouse-over hint would be nicer than popping open seven more tabs. But I don't know what a tolerable equivalent would be for mobile.

    • jwz says:

      Well, you can see the title of the post in the URLs on desktop when you mouse over them. There's no sensible way to do that on mobile, I guess.

  14. MattyJ says:

    Walkscore: 0

    WOULD NOT BUY.

  15. Frank Miller says:

    I don't know about socialism, but the house definitely makes me want to become a pornographer.