An annotated digest of the top "Hacker" "News" posts.

n-gate:

  • Functional programmers, realizing that their entire discipline is rendered inconsistent and useless the instant it is faced with herculean tasks such as "I/O" and "users", finally admit for the record that it's better to do literally anything else when these tasks arise. Satisfying termninology like 'free monad' and 'applicative functors' are bandied about as Hackernews tries to decide if you want imperative nougat with functional candy shell, or functional fruit filling with a flaky imperative pastry surrounding it. Nobody stops to wonder if the functional wizardry compiles to imperative code, or whether the processor gives a shit if your source code looks good in LaTeX. One Hackernews admits he doesn't know what these people are jabbering about; all users in agreement are ritually downvoted. In accordance with federal law, someone asks how this compares with Rust.

  • A spammer posts his bullshit, the 21st-century equivalent of motivational speaking, only with fewer ticket sales and more ebook download links. A Hackernews shark attack ensues as everyone realizes it is finally on-topic to desperately plead for any possible scrap of advice on how to actually make money. Not discussed: how to start a startup without ruining anyone else's life.

  • A webshit, based on his hobby project, decides that the entire web advertising market is a lie. He's right, but for the wrong reasons. Hackernews trades tips on convincing themselves their entire industry isn't a sack of bullshit.

  • People hired to look at terrible shit forty hours a week tend to go crazy. Hackernews decides this must be why cops are all assholes and that the solution is more cops. One Hackernews suggests just hiring perverts.

  • The New York Times -- world's leading authority on San Francisco -- tells us that San Francisco is a microcosm of America. Hackernews spends equal time telling each other how to donate money toward fixing problems and telling each other that donating money will not fix any problems. Nobody realizes Hackernews users are the problem, including the New York Times.

  • A leisure studies major vomits a couple thousand words of dime-store evolutionary psychology. Hackernews seizes on the opportunity to delude themselves into believing that their crippling anxiety and ever-increasing depression are what makes them better than you.

  • Hackernews is concerned that stupid poor people might not realize they are less alive if they choose to entertain themselves instead of working ceaselessly unto death. The behavior of children is held up by the childless as an example for us all. Some dipshit thinks running his website is akin to preagricultural survival. Dimly, a few Hackernews users experiment with the idea that money and public acclaim are not the only route to happiness, but this heresy is drowned out by the relentless insistance that being rich is the only way to experience joy.

  • An idiot posts to Medium a rambling narrative regarding the importance of his phone app. Hackernews maintains the only way to be sure your shit is right is to host all of your own communications tools. Google Analytics silently notes which citizens have been contaminated with toxins inimical to surveillance capitalism. The machine sleeps.

Previously, previously, previously, previously.

Tags: , , , ,

23 Responses:

  1. John Adams says:

    Pretty much dead on, although many people I know suffer from " Hackernews maintains the only way to be sure your shit is right is to host all of your own communications tools. "

    • James says:

      A decade ago hackernews was telling us all our client-server protocols would be peer-to-peer by now.

  2. CTD says:

    This accords excellently with my predictions about what haters are gonna do.

  3. This is hilarious (I mean FP/HN). A pandemy of Dunning-Krueger syndrome.

  4. Trolly McTrollTroll says:

    This fun. I wanna try! Looking at the top post of the moment:

    Ask HN: Is S3 down?

    A dolt of the highest caliber uses HackerNews as his personal support service, asking the rubes if S3 is down. This is of utmost import, as his retrogaming / animal husbandry mashup site is suffering outages, and has lost potentially tens of views. Many overpaid nerds jump at the chance to demonstrate their intellect, quickly propelling the help request to the top of the page. As a chilling reminder of how Google's hiring bar has mamboed ever-lower, the first comment is from a shill who advocates for the superiority of Google's tentacled service. Other comments include a math nerd who takes valuable time from arranging his pocket protector collection to post detailed statistics tracking the outage which is as helpful as asking someone for the weather and having them respond with a detailed air pressure diagram. The remainder of the thread consists of a bunch of pie eaters redundantly confirming that yes, shocker of shocker, S3 is down. In accordance with Federal law, the Rust Evangelism Strikeforce notes that the aggregate nerd-time spent answering the dolt's question could have been used to re-write emacs in Rust.

    • jrrs says:

      Sometimes I wish there was a "Like" button for a comment.

      • Xuppddux says:

        well my free HotpotSheild limit keeps popping up, so I'll wish for a like button too since I can't afford to peruse the HN board room at this time

        • Joe Crawford says:

          The best part of Amazon S3 being down yesterday was that the Amazon S3 outage caused the Amazon AWS system status page to be inaccurate because apparently the RED ICONS were the ones hosted in S3. It was a piece of webdev satire that could not be written in fiction, only in reality.

          https://twitter.com/awscloud/status/836656664635846656

          • XuppdduX says:

            Well ... well... on my first ever visit to AWS or Amazon S3, it would be the day where I would miss out on the system status page's RED ICONS displaying its real satire of what I have being looking for, a free PaaS

      • Jaxon says:

        And did you say "Bite me!"? I mean, r-ay--lel--, most home crafters are using the chips for personal use, not as a commercial venture. What? They don't make enough money selling their exorbitantly priced color books? Chip users UNITE!

  5. Nate Olson says:

    Thank you for introducing me to this.

  6. Spook says:

    HOLY SHIT, this is the perfect antidote to HN.

    What happens when it finally shows up on HN? Infinity mirror?

  7. real xakep says:

    They forgot all the "fake hnews", quite likely paid-for links: literary reviews, self-help posts, physics papers, job offers, hip geek-sites, and news articles. Greasemonkey helps.

  8. Doug Orleans says:

    Can we get Gilfoyle to do a dramatic reading?

  9. Karl Shea says:

    This is amazing. My only wish is that their RSS/Atom wasn't broken (the posts' HTML is embedded inside of a CDATA so it doesn't render)

  10. a hackernews says:

    "relentless insistance [sic] that being rich is the only way to experience joy"

    It's kind of hard to argue otherwise when you pass tens of people literally dying in the street from poverty every day.

  11. Jon Bailey says:

    Nice work. Will watch n-gate for further funny.

    Was expecting: "Previously"

  12. Lance Murdoch says:

    YC co-founder and pudgy Aryan superman Paul Graham on Twitter two days ago -

    "The people saying Eppur si muove in our time are those studying the effect of biology on human behavior."

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