- Functional programmers, realizing that their entire discipline is rendered inconsistent and useless the instant it is faced with herculean tasks such as "I/O" and "users", finally admit for the record that it's better to do literally anything else when these tasks arise. Satisfying termninology like 'free monad' and 'applicative functors' are bandied about as Hackernews tries to decide if you want imperative nougat with functional candy shell, or functional fruit filling with a flaky imperative pastry surrounding it. Nobody stops to wonder if the functional wizardry compiles to imperative code, or whether the processor gives a shit if your source code looks good in LaTeX. One Hackernews admits he doesn't know what these people are jabbering about; all users in agreement are ritually downvoted. In accordance with federal law, someone asks how this compares with Rust.
- A spammer posts his bullshit, the 21st-century equivalent of motivational speaking, only with fewer ticket sales and more ebook download links. A Hackernews shark attack ensues as everyone realizes it is finally on-topic to desperately plead for any possible scrap of advice on how to actually make money. Not discussed: how to start a startup without ruining anyone else's life.
- A webshit, based on his hobby project, decides that the entire web advertising market is a lie. He's right, but for the wrong reasons. Hackernews trades tips on convincing themselves their entire industry isn't a sack of bullshit.
- People hired to look at terrible shit forty hours a week tend to go crazy. Hackernews decides this must be why cops are all assholes and that the solution is more cops. One Hackernews suggests just hiring perverts.
- The New York Times -- world's leading authority on San Francisco -- tells us that San Francisco is a microcosm of America. Hackernews spends equal time telling each other how to donate money toward fixing problems and telling each other that donating money will not fix any problems. Nobody realizes Hackernews users are the problem, including the New York Times.
- A leisure studies major vomits a couple thousand words of dime-store evolutionary psychology. Hackernews seizes on the opportunity to delude themselves into believing that their crippling anxiety and ever-increasing depression are what makes them better than you.
- Hackernews is concerned that stupid poor people might not realize they are less alive if they choose to entertain themselves instead of working ceaselessly unto death. The behavior of children is held up by the childless as an example for us all. Some dipshit thinks running his website is akin to preagricultural survival. Dimly, a few Hackernews users experiment with the idea that money and public acclaim are not the only route to happiness, but this heresy is drowned out by the relentless insistance that being rich is the only way to experience joy.
- An idiot posts to Medium a rambling narrative regarding the importance of his phone app. Hackernews maintains the only way to be sure your shit is right is to host all of your own communications tools. Google Analytics silently notes which citizens have been contaminated with toxins inimical to surveillance capitalism. The machine sleeps.