@ApprovedNews6, Dec 31:

• US Military Goes to DEFCON 1 as End of 2016 Approaches
• Illuminati Declares "Case WISTFUL CRANE;" Orders All Units Activated
• Council of Twelve Raises "Threat Condition Mottled Taupe," Readies Oneiric Strike Teams
• Forbidden Lands Shadow Council Performs Somber Dance Upon the Moor, Deploys Team of Wise Sea Captains With Mysterious Pasts
• Blood-Soaked Maidens of the Cold Sword Declare "SITUATIO HAERESIS MAGNA DOLOROSA," Order All Battallions to Readiness
• Bone Sorceress Supreme Samedra Thunderflange Issues Ominous Pronouncement, Prepares Epic Bone Ritual
• Nameless Corporation in Ruins of New York Declares "Stage Imminent Opportunity," Ramps Up Symbiote Implantation
• BREAKING: Sun Appears In Sky At All Points On Earth, Growing Brighter With Each Passing Second
• D.C. in Chaos as Beating of Wings Drowns Out All Other Sounds
• Obama, Surrounded by Blood-Red Ravens, Bursts Through Roof of White House, Wielding Whalebone Scepter
• "Single Blinding Figure" Seen in Sky Over D.C., Wings "of Fire & Light" Stretching "Miles in Every Direction"
• Screaming Soundlessly, Obama Unleashes Full Power of Presidency, Obelisks Against Radiant Figure in Sky
• BREAKING: RADIANT FIGURE IN SKY INCINERATES PRESIDENT OBAMA, WHITE HOUSE WITH SINGLE CONTEMPTUOUS GESTURE
• Oregon City: At "Terrible Cost," Bone Sorceress Supreme Deploys Spell of Infinite Compulsion to Conscript Entire State Into Epic Bone Ritual
• "Th█y Are Marching Forth:" Wise Witch of the Whispering Woods Appears in Reporter's Dream, Weeping & Panicked
• Contact Lost With Approved News 6 D.C. Branch
• Contact Lost With City of Chicago; Last Recovered Video Frame ███████ "Sword of Burning Light" ███████ "Taller Than the Tallest Skyscraper"
• YOU WILL NOT ███████ VICTORY I WILL NOT █████████ HERALD OF ALL CONTAMINATED ███████ FATHER OF THE NEW AGE ███████ WILL NOT SUCCUMB
• YOU ███████████ I ████████████ NO ████████████████████████
• Trump, Swelling to Hundreds of Times Original Size, Wielding Skyscraper Like Club, Assails Seventh Angel, Frothing With Rage
• BREAKING: TRUMP STRUCK DOWN
• Witnesses: Bone Sorceress Supreme Xylinda Overblight Climbing Upon Sacrificial Altar, As Samedra Thunderflage Draws Blazing Dagger
• Clin██n, S█nders Lead Joint Ar█y of For█st An██mals, Underbeast█ in "Last Desperate Strike" Against Sixth, S██enth █████s
• BREAKING: CLINTON, SANDERS FALL
• Al██nian Bonelord Donjeta the Despoiler Leads Alban██n Bone-Horde in S██cidal At██ck A█ainst Angels in Europe
• B██AK█NG: ENTIRE ALBANIAN BONE-HORDE R██DUCED T█ "GLEAMING CINDERS"
• Wielding "Discontinued Item #7," Sur██ving Board Members of Nameless C██poration Lead Clanking, Steam-█████ing Drones A██inst ███els
• UP███E: Fo██age Con███ms Na██less C██poration Forces "Atomized D█wn to the Symbiote"
• Desp██ate Blood Ritualists Reopen Portal ██ Hell, Finding Only Charred Remain█ of Once-███████ Daemon Hordes
• Florida St██e Pol█ce Arrive in Black ████copters, Invoking Dread Cubes
• Dread Cube Incursion ███████ Seventh Angel █████ Restructuring Zone
• Drone Footage Shows "Uncountable Millions" of Dread Tesseracts █████████ Seventh Angel
• UPDATE: Seventh Angel Annih██ates D████ Tesseracts With Single Strike of ████ing Sword
• Sun Now Filling ███ire Sky Wor█dwide
• BREAKING: BONE-SORCERESS SUPREME XYLINDA OVERBLIGHT KILLED IN SACRIFICIAL RITUAL
• BREA█ING: ████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████
• BRE█ K I I I I I I N █ █ █ █ ██████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████
• ████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████
• █████████████████████████████████████████; W█r█d Milita█ies Standing Down as 2016 Reaches End Without Incident
• "We Can All Breathe a Sigh of Relief:" Obama Issues Statement ████ of a "Disastrous Year"
• Illuminati, Blood-Soaked Maidens, Concerned Parents Step Down Threat Advisory Conditions
• "Turns Out 2016 Went Out With A Whimper After All," Charles J. Bloodhorn Tells Reporters With a Laugh
• Pressed on New Year, Trump Vomits Frogs
• WEIRD & WACKY: Vast Wing-Shaped Scorch Mark Found Across Downtown Oregon City; "A Good Omen For The New Year," Say Soothsayers

Previously, previously, previously, previously, previously.