We Talked to a Witch Who Casts Viruses Out of Computers With Magic

How, specifically, do you use witchcraft to rid viruses of computers?

Again, I just go in and work the energy. And there are different stones that work really well on computers, chloride is one of them. Also, some people really like amethyst for computers. It doesn't really work for me, but I'm psychic. So when I go into the room where somebody's computer is, I go in fresh, I step in like a fresh sheet, and I'm open to feel what's going on with the computer. Everything's unique, which is why my spell work changes, because each project I do is unique.

Sometimes I do a magic spell or tape a magic charm onto the computer somewhere. Sometimes I have a potion for the worker to spray on the chair before they sit down to work. Jet is a stone I use a lot to protect computers.

Tell me about a time when you successfully cleared a virus.

I got contacted by a small business owner in Marin county. She had a couple of different viruses and she called me in. First, I cast a circle and called in earth, air, fire and water, and then I called in Mercury, the messenger and communicator. Then I went into a trance state, and all I was doing was feeling. I literally feel [the virus] in my body. I can feel the smoothness where the energy's running, and then I feel a snag. That's where the virus got in.

Then I performed a vanishing ceremony. I used a black bowl with a magnet and water to draw [the virus] out. Then I saged the whole computer to chase the negativity back into the bowl, and then I flushed that down the toilet. After this I did a purification ceremony. Then I made a protection spell out of chloride, amethyst, and jet. I left these on the computer at the base where she works.

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20 Responses:

  1. phuzz says:

    I was at a company doing some basic desktop support, and I sat down at a users desk to troubleshoot their email or something, only to find that the mouse was jumping, and didn't slide on the pad.
    Turning it over I found a two pence piece taped to the bottom, which lifted the sensor a bit so it only partially worked. After a moment the user (phone clamped to ear) wanders over and I point out that the mouse would work better without the coin, and I was informed that it was there because they were "allergic to electromagnetic fields" and that the copper penny would help (they're actually copper covered steel).
    I think I sat there for about 30 seconds, opening and closing my mouth, and just told them to think about shutting the curtains instead and just left.

  2. Geoff Smith says:

    Casts Norton for 15 pts of damage

  3. I am pretty sure there was a computer repair commercial using voodoo a few years back.

  4. Ben says:

    "Chloride", like, table salt? Or do idiots work with more exotic chlorides?

  5. She lives in my town. This pains me greatly.

  6. Ian McKellar says:

    Well, at least she's probably doing less harm than 'traditional' AV software: https://code.google.com/p/google-security-research/issues/detail?id=693

  7. Line Noise says:

    That explanation is about as plausible as most other AV spiels I've heard.

  8. emacsomancer says:

    I use a mystical usb stick with a spell called Ubuntu.

  9. David K. says:

    "Taking her seriously?" Hasn't anyone run a virus scanner to check her work before they pay her?

    • takfpbi says:

      If you read the article, there are at least two cases where the problem went away immediately after the spell work was done. Not many details about what the problems actually were, but clearly the customers were satisfied. She mentions a burglar alarm that she fixed after the company that installed it could not fix it. I would not be surprised if that's usually the way it goes: she gets called when the people who are supposed to fix it fail. And it works. How does a computer witch keep doing computer witching unless they are getting recommendations, and how do they get recommendations if the customers are not satisfied? People may be dumb, but usually they aren't that dumb when it comes to paying money to make a machine do what it's supposed to do.

      If you really believe that the only bugs in computers are the kinds that exist in the imaginations of engineers who prefer to ironically avoid responsibility for their own mistakes as a matter of hallowed tradition (modulo some manufacturing defects or cosmic rays), then this kind of story ought to bake your noodle even more than stories of people who go to witches to get someone to like them, or solve a health problem that doctors can't solve. After all, no one really knows how those things work. If you're desperate, why not try anything? But we know how computers work, right? We made the damn things, practically down to the individual atoms, right? That's the whole point, right?

      Except that you still can't make them work a lot of the time. Or maybe you can, but not in a timely and cost-effective manner. An engineer can do for a dime what any fool can do for a dollar, right? But sometimes a witch can do for a nickel what an engineer can't do for a Benjamin. And it works.

      Of course, there may be hidden costs. You might find yourself giving the witch more repeat business than you'd strictly prefer to give. You might find that you suddenly have new enemies that require more expensive defenses than you had anticipated. Those crazy wizards, always causing trouble and selling you junk that ends up making you worse off than before you had it. How does it happen? Nothing new under the sun, as they say....

      • Baphomet says:

        I can't tell whether or not you're serious, but the fact that there are idiots willing to pay for a service is not a priori evidence of that service's efficacy.

        Your logic is so circular its circumference is 2 * pi * r.

        "If it didn't work, they wouldn't pay, therefore it does work, therefore I should pay."

        1. I did read the article, she didn't give the verification procedure, and
        2. She named no names, so as far as we know her entire clientele is either unsatisfied or fictional, and those stories are exactly that: stories.

  10. thielges says:

    I like how the story about successfully clearing the virus goes into great detail about the exorcism process but includes nothing about how success was determined.

  11. inquiring minds says:

    I demand to know what her degree from the University of Maryland is in.

    (Also: Reminded me of this joke.)

  12. MattyJ says:

    I'm going to start ending all my sentences with "... and then I flushed that down the toilet." That was the funniest part.

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