In the immortal words of Brazilian Girls...

So when I heard that instead of popping pills to relieve menstrual cramps, I could stick weed up my vagina, I lit a candle and retweeted Bernie Sanders.

Previously, previously.

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Sexbot ethics

Come fuck my robot -- w4m -- (Malibu)

Hi, I am an engineer who has built an AI with a vagina. I need someone to come fuck my robot and let me watch. I can't fuck it because I'm like it's dad.


* do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers

post id: 5422648947 posted: 2016-01-27 11:56pm

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Fuck the Super Bowl.

Here, read these, and then let's never speak of it again:

  • The Farce of the Super Bowl Deal

    [...] the document which, it was revealed in January, allowed the NFL to roll into San Francisco and rack up a $5.3 million (and, as of press time, growing) bill for city-provided police, transit, and cleanup services.

    After all, for these same services, the city of Santa Clara -- which is hosting the game at Levi's Stadium, the San Francisco 49ers' new $1.3 billion privately funded palace -- managed to secure $3.6 million up front from the Super Bowl Host Committee, the collection of local civic and business leaders tasked with bringing the Big Game to the Bay Area.

    With still-fresh memories of the 2013 America's Cup, when the so-called "Super Bowl of yachting" arrived with promises of a cash bonanza but set sail after sticking local taxpayers with a $11.5 million bill, they're fair questions: Why couldn't San Francisco do the same? And who's responsible for this particular fumble? [...]

    Lee exited the supervisors' chambers without ever answering Peskin, whose attempt to ask a follow-up -- the same question as before, actually -- was rebuffed by Board of Supervisors President London Breed. [...]

    Far from a "public subsidy" for the country's richest professional sports organization, as a budget analysts' report called it, being Super Bowl City comes with free concerts and free events, a gift for the public.

  • More Hidden Super Bowl Costs: SFMTA Workers Asked To 'Volunteer' On The Clock

    As taxpayer costs related to Super Bowl City continue to increase, we learn today that at least one city department is working hard to keep expenses off the books. SFMTA officials, it seems, have asked employees to "volunteer" as "ambassadors" for Super Bowl City. This "volunteering" would be done during work hours, on the clock, and the employees would be paid by SFMTA. Costs associated with this volunteer work are not included in city officials' $5.3 million (and growing) estimated bill to taxpayers for Super Bowl 50 celebrations, however, allowing overall costs to appear lower than they really are.

  • Why is Muni putting up "traffic" cameras in locations where there will be no cars?

    New cameras, to be precise, aimed at the street between First Street and the Embarcadero, the area that will in a few weeks be closed down to traffic to make way for the Super Bowl and the "Super Bowl City" "fan village" [...]

    They're not even "security cameras" -- they're traffic cameras, according to SFTMA spokesman Paul Rose, and are meant to keep an eye on buses and trains, not people. Nevertheless, privacy advocates aren't convinced, and fear the cameras could fall victim to mission creep. [...]

    "If these cameras are solely for traffic purposes, there needs to be an enforceable policy that strictly limits their use for that purpose," said Matt Cagle, policy attorney for technology and civil liberties at the American Civil Liberties Union. "The risk here, as with so many other surveillance technologies, is that the cameras will remain up after the Super Bowl is long over, and will be used for purposes beyond just traffic control."

  • Scott Wiener goes after homeless people in tents

    In what homeless advocates call a "cruel" move, Sup. Scott Wiener is asking city departments to crack down on homeless people who are living on the sidewalks in tents.

    The El Niño rains have brought a proliferation of tent cities along strips like Division Street, which is also under a highway and more protected. There are some in Wiener's district, too.

    So he's written to the police chief, the fire chief, the director of public works, the director of public health, the head of human services and the mayor's homeless coordinator and asked, "assuming the availability of shelter beds, what will be done to remove illegal tent encampments from our streets .... Or will the law continue to be ignored as it is being ignored today?"

  • El Niño is a public health crisis

    People living on our streets are at high risk for pneumonia or of dying from exposure. On a recent outreach, our volunteer reported that everyone she came in contact with was drenched and so were their belongings. She could not help but notice a lot of people were barefoot or wearing soaked socks.

    The Super Bowl is around the corner, and so sweeps are even more common than usual. According to one dripping young woman, the Department of Public Works and the police did a sweep of her encampment at 4th and Harrison at 6am -- during the downpour. She and her group were told that they need to "move along" until after the Stupid Bowl events and that an area that is considered a "safe zone" is at Bryant and 7th, which so happens to be the location of the county jail.

    Meanwhile a bunch of dry areas have been fenced off in the past two weeks. They are under freeways, away from businesses and residential areas, but off limits to those seeking shelter. In the middle of the rains, there are empty spaces where large encampments were just last week, enclosed with fences topped with razor blades. Meanwhile most homeless people are asking and searching for where they can go without getting harassed. That seems to be the question of the month.

  • Broke-Ass Stuart: Occupy The Super Bowl -- Facebook event

    Mayor Ed Lee told the homeless they "have to leave" for the Super Bowl. Join the Coalition on Homelessness as we protest the mayor's unjust plan and demand immediate housing for our city's unhoused residents. Meet up is at 4:30 in front of Sinbad's on Embacadero next to the Ferry Building. We are going to set up a tent city, with plenty of visuals next to the superbowl city. Bring signs and banners and cardboard cut-outs of houses. And bring tents if you don't mind them getting confiscated.

    Homeless Statistics:

    • There's 1 shelter bed for every 6 homeless
    • There's an 8,000 person long wait for housing
    • 3,300 Children make up SF's homeless
    • 61% have disabilities
    • 11,000 citations were given to homeless for resting in SF last year

    Superbowl-Related Statistics:

    • 25% of the costs for Superbowl ads would be enough to end homelessness in SF (Each 30-second Superbowl ad costs 5 million.)
    • The $5 million cost to SF to host the Superbowl would house 500 homeless people.
    • SFPD is responsible for clearing out homeless people for the Super Bowl by giving them citations which are already up 30% from last year.

  • Civic Center Super Bowl Statue Also Vandalized, Now Reads 'Sup Bro 50'.

  • Vandalized Super Bowl statues, ranked.

  • I'm a professional San Francisco nightlife writer, and I want to slit my delicate, ladylike wrists in a fit of melodramatic pique.

    Yes, yes, the homeless are being herded, the skyscrapers defaced, our streets are clogged, and our tax money is being wasted. But you wanna know the worst thing about the Super Bowl plopping its nacho-stained Walmart sweatpants down on our fair city? The horrific "official parties." They are so awful!

    Look, when Coldplay is your halftime act it can only go downhill from there, but I didn't think it could go this far down. We are entering a bottomless pit of tacky that literally gouges my eyeballs into black holes of abhorrence with each successive Facebook invitation. My Bizarro World favorite so far? The 2016 Maxim Party, "in a class all its own as the #1 most sought after event. Maxim is creating a premium ultra lounge featuring: concert sound, theatrical lighting & effects, full LED video walls and risers for exclusive VIP Tables on different levels."

    GUYS THEY ARE GONNA HAVE TABLES ON DIFFERENT LEVELS! Where will the innovation end? VIP tables (on different levels!) run you $8,500 -- $25,000. Oh, and Paul McCartney might be there. Thanks for ruining everything!

  • Area Surrounding Levi's Stadium To Be Renamed San Francisco

    Everything about the information above suggests that the event is taking place in San Francisco. [...] In light of complaints, a local organization, the Santa Clara Association of Merchants, has drawn up plans to reincorporate the area within a half-mile radius of Levi's Stadium as a new city called San Francisco. It wouldn't be the first time a state has more than one city by the same name. [...]

    But what about fans who already booked hotel rooms in the original San Francisco? Johnson says they can rely on the Bay Area's excellent public-transportation system to get to the big game in a safe and timely manner.

    "Let's say you're in Fisherman's Wharf in the old San Francisco. You just hop on the F streetcar, skip over to the Embarcadero Muni station, get on the N train, take that to the Caltrain station, ride Caltrain down to the Mountain View station, transfer to the VTA Light Rail and take in the scenery as the light rail whisks you to the stadium. Boom -- simple. Just three and a half hours door to door, then another quick hour in the security line at the stadium, and you're done."

Previously, previously, previously, previously.

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"Monkeys are not random generators."

I was unaware of this important research from 2003:

Give an infinite number of monkeys an infinite number of typewriters, the theory goes, and they will eventually produce prose the likes of Shakespeare.

A group of faculty and students in the university's media program left a computer in the monkey enclosure at Paignton Zoo in southwest England, home to six Sulawesi crested macaques. Then, they waited.

At first, said Phillips, "the lead male got a stone and started bashing the hell out of it. "Another thing they were interested in was in defecating and urinating all over the keyboard," added Phillips, who runs the university's Institute of Digital Arts and Technologies.

Eventually, monkeys Elmo, Gum, Heather, Holly, Mistletoe and Rowan produced five pages of text, composed primarily of the letter S. Later, the letters A, J, L and M crept in.

Read the complete text here: Notes Towards The Complete Works of Shakespeare by Elmo, Gum, Heather, Holly, Mistletoe & Rowan.

Previously, previously, previously, previously, previously.

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Do Not Unplug The Department of Homeland Security

Previously, previously.

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Bring me the Head of John the Mechabaptist

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DNA Lounge: Wherein it's time to Hack The Planet again.

Hey, remember when we had that Cyberdelia: 20 Years of Hackers party back in October, and it was epic? Well, we're doing it again this Friday! Like last time, we're dressing up the club as the club from Hackers, including skate ramps, big-screen head-to-head Wipeout XL battles, a costume contest -- but this time instead of starting the evening by watching Hackers, we're watching Tank Girl instead!

Both "90s Cyber" and "Tank Girl" are considered valid in the costume contest, by the way.

Please spam your friends with the Facebook invite, ok? It being January, the time of year when everyone is afraid of fun, ticket sales have been low. (We are almost out of the reserved-seating tickets for the movie, though, so if you want to sit, get on that!)

In other news...

Sunday night, some human shitstain tagged the front of the DNA building with their initials in six foot high letters. I'm not going to show you a picture because that's probably what they want. We had the poor penmanship of this piece of garbage wrapped in skin painted over by the morning, but fuck, like this is what I want to be spending time and money on?

Codeword is still an unmitigated disaster, for all the reasons I whined about last time. It's kind of amazing how much debt you can rack up in just a few months of running a bar that doesn't have any events and that nobody wants to go to. At this point we're deep in triage and damage control mode, trying to prevent the Codeword boat-anchor from capsizing the good ship DNA. We're giving up on the Codeword location of DNA Pizza being 24 hours, at least until the spring. That will complicate things and possibly confuse customers, but -- on the plus side -- there aren't many of those customers. Oh wait that's not actually the plus side. But we just can't afford to subsidize it while waiting for people to discover that we're there.

It's been a constant effort to keep my cool when well-meaning friends can't help but "why don't you just" me, with suggestions that boil down to "throw some parties that people actually want to go to" or "spend a bunch of money on advertising and pray".

Now, if you have any friends who actually want to throw a party that people might actually want to go to, please send them our way. Terms are reasonable. It's a god damned fire sale over here.

Anyway, photos:

Bootie: NYE
Hubba Hubba
Venom, Inc.
Swmrs + Melissa Brooks
Agent Orange



In fact the bodies represented in METACHAOS, even though they are characterized by an apparently anthropomorphous appearance, in reality they are without identity and conscience. They exist confined in a spaceless and timeless state, an hostile and decadent hyperuranium where a fortress, in perpetual movement, dominates the landscape in defense of a supercelestial, harmonic but fragile parallel dimension. In its destructive instinct of violating the dimensional limbo, the mutant horde penetrates the intimacy of the fortress, laying siege like a virus. Similar to the balance of a philological continuum in human species, bringing the status of things back to the primordial broth.

So that explains it, then.

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Emoji Meme: Buy, Sell, Trade. Missed Connection Repairs. Psychic Tax Readings.


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Apple Pass push notifications

Dear lazyweb, how do I send Apple Pass push notifications?

Yesterday I added Apple Wallet passes to the DNA Lounge ticketing system: now when you buy a ticket, the confirmation email comes with an attachment that will dump the ticket into your phone such that it will automatically pop up on your lock screen when you are in physical proximity of the club on the day of the event. It's kinda neat.

What I haven't figured out is how to send push notifications.

When someone adds the pass to their phone, their phone registers with my server, sending it the device ID, the serial number of the pass, and a "pushToken". I should be able to take this info and tell Apple, "tell the device to re-download the pass from my server".

The Binary Provider API document explains how to pack up a request to ship off to Apple. The "device ID" is a 32-digit hex number, meaning a 16-byte value; and the "pushToken" is a 64-digit hex number, meaning a 32-byte value, so I assume that when that doc says "32 byte device token" it means the "pushToken" and not the "device ID".

So I'm packing it up like this, and getting neither an error message back, nor a return connection from the phone. What am I missing?

    $note_id = time();
    $expires = time() + (60 * 60 * 24);
    $payload = "{}";

    // Decode the 64-digit hex string to a 32-byte number.
    $push_token = pack ('H*', $push_token);

    $items = (chr(1) .        // ID 1 = device token
              pack('n', strlen($push_token)) .
              $push_token .

              chr(2) .        // ID 2 = payload
              pack('n', strlen($payload)) .
              $payload .

              chr(3) .        // ID 3 = notification ID
              pack('n', 4) .
              pack('N', $note_id) .

              chr(4) .        // ID 4 = expiration date
              pack('n', 4) .
              pack('N', $expires) .

              chr(5) .        // ID 5 = priority
              pack('n', 1) .

    $cmd = (chr(2) .          // Command = 2
            pack ('N', strlen($items)) .
    stream_context_set_option ($ctx, 'ssl', 'local_cert', $CERT_FILE);
    $fp = stream_socket_client ('ssl://', ...

Please do not answer with "pay some third-party web service to do this for you" or "install this multi-gigabyte black-box framework".

Update: Got it working, woo...

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