You Are The World's Greatest Computer Hacker

Part 1 of the Dataverse Chronicles

You uplink into a pervert club, one of the many sin joints littered across the cybercity. Around you dance netheads, sex downloaders, gulch manglers, and all other types of indecent sickos. Freed from the constraints of reality, they meet here to engage in their darkest desires. It's a seedy dive, but a good spot to meet criminal employers.

    > Order a drink and wait for a mysterious employer to approach you.

The pervert club's waitress glides up and greets you with a cheerfully synthetic smile. "What drink would you like me to shit for you?" she asks.

    > Piña colada.

    > Excuse me, did you say you were going to shit a drink for me?

"Yes, we're all rude perverts here, so shit is a thing we like. It's the fecal sensation we can't get enough of. Everything on the menu gets squeezed out of my simulated ass. Do you still want a drink?"

    > Sure, I guess.

    > Ew, no thanks.

The waitress climbs up onto the bar, squats down, and, with a moan of gross pleasure, craps out a piña colada. You take a sip. It's not bad.

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14 Responses:

  1. I'm keeping "time fruit."

  2. Seems like this skipped past the step of merely updating the Korova Milk Bar with gene-spliced human drink dispensers.

  3. Cat Mara says:

    Warren Ellis's "Angel Stomp Future" comic has a "Speculum Bar, where warm drinks are mixed in and served from the muscular rectums of young Algerian girls". I just felt you ought to know that.

  4. just b says:

    thank you for sharing this joyous (joyful?) work.
    clickhole is an amazing disinfo site.
    all bodies are beautiful.

  5. Space Hobo says:

    In slightly less drink-shitting semirelated cybernews, Spicy City is on youtube in its entirety (for now).

    • jwz says:

      I barely remember that, but I do remember it making me think "why did I ever like Bakshi again?" Is it as horrible as I remember?

      • Space Hobo says:

        It's well-produced, with good animation and voice acting. The scripts were pretty bad, and needed a better editor at the very least.

        So wait, Cool World didn't clue you in on Bakshi?

        • jwz says:

          I think what happened is, when I was 10 or 11 I thought Wizards was the greatest thing I had ever seen, and that memory never let me realize that he's really kind of crap.

          I am afraid to ever watch Wizards again. I don't want to know how awful it is.

  6. NT says:

    Now you have something more than just selling beer to aspire to.

    • parmaster says:

      If he made that change to his business model, I would attend his all-ages establishment.

      Until then, I am continuing my boycott. Which I will now pretend has more to do with perversion than good old-fashioned tightfisted frugality.

  7. Alan Smithee says:

    Where's the poop tag, you filthy animal?!

  8. Harold Williams says:

    "Gulch manglers."