I mean, I love apocalyptic illuminati conspiracy fiction as much as the next guy -- ok, a lot more than the next guy, because that guy's a sheeple -- but come on.

Slow news week? Ran out of Dirt Rave stories already?

We should be so lucky as to have a vast, faceless meta-governmental conspiracy that was competent enough to pull this off. It would mean that adults were in charge. Or Gods.

A thumbnail sketch of the science behind chemtrails is difficult because there are competing theories about what that science entails. But most activists, including Roddie, agree that curbing global warming seems to be the purpose. In layman's terms, chemtrails are believed to be an aerosol that contains aluminum (which deflects sunlight), as well as a cocktail of other toxic elements such as barium and strontium. According to Roddie, this aerosol has insidious side effects, including Alzheimer's, autism, asthma, respiratory failure, pulmonary failure, and stroke.

Another major side effect: California's historic drought. [...]

Hall says she protects herself as best she can, but as a gardener, she works outside every day and is vulnerable. She no longer drives with her windows down, she says, and she bought a water filter to sift out impurities. Occasionally, she detoxes from the heavy metals in her blood by taking supplements such as chlorella, zeolite powder, and bentonite clay. She also eats as much cilantro as she can, which assuages metallic contamination, she claims.

Rumors of sickness and bodily mutation run rampant through the chemtrails community. Hall mentions a fellow activist who tested her dog's blood for heavy metals and discovered thorium, a radioactive element that has been used as nuclear fuel.

She also mentions Morgellons, a controversial condition -- classified by most physicians as a delusional parasitosis -- in which people develop sores they believe to be caused by parasites, insects, or invasive synthetic fibers. In 2008, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention investigated Morgellons among patients in Northern California, a hotbed of self-reported Morgellons diagnoses, and concluded there was "no infectious cause and no evidence of an environmental link."

Hall is unconvinced. "All of us have fibers in us because they spray them in the sky, and they're all over the ground, and they're in the soil, and they're in the water," she says. "These fibers are self-replicating nanotechnology. To me, those are the scariest words I've ever heard in my life."

Marsha Dawson, a North Bay activist who works with Roddie and Hall, agrees that chemtrails exact a disastrous human toll. She says she experiences "memory problems" and lung pain because of her exposure. Dawson drinks Fiji and Volvic water constantly because both contain silica that, she claims, loosens the aluminum particles in her body. She also finds relief in black cherry bark syrup from Whole Foods. [...]

The scope of the program Herndon envisions is mind-boggling. According to him, the fly ash is transported on railways that connect coal plants to military and civilian airports across the country. The ash is loaded onto a fleet of 1,000 or more planes, he estimates, all of which fly off-the-radar, often at night, without transponders or flight plans. These ghost planes, Herndon says, have poisoned the country and induced California's drought. He alleges that certain leafy plants in the Golden State now exhibit high concentrations of thallium -- Saddam Hussein's favorite poison for political assassinations. [...]

"Pretty much one hundred percent of people who believe in chemtrails will believe that 9/11 was an inside job and the World Trade Center was pre-rigged with explosives," West says. (In fact, prior to becoming a chemtrails activist, Roddie was involved in We Are Change, a "nonpartisan, independent media organization" that promotes the idea of a 9/11 cover-up.) [...]

As West points out, the scope of the program that Herndon suggests would implicate every meteorologist, airline pilot, and climate scientist in the world, plus a significant chunk of the Pentagon, Congress, Cabinet, and White House -- and numerous other governments and industries worldwide.

At least chemtrails are vegan. Better drink Pepsi-branded bottled water, though, just to be safe. STAY VIGILANT.

Previously, previously, previously, previously, previously, previously, previously.