Jesika von Rabbit

All of you people watching Peter Murphy next door right now: I am judging you so hard. So hard.

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Internet Commerce, How Does It Fucking Work

This happens all the time and I don't know how to fix it.

Some dude tries to buy a ticket, and he sees this:

Error Processing Order

There was an error processing your order!
Your order has not been completed and your credit card has not been charged.

• Your credit card failed to authorize (The transaction has been declined because of an AVS mismatch. The address provided does not match billing address of cardholder. Code N: Wrong address.)

If you are sure your address is correct, try contacting your bank to make sure they have the correct address on file.

It is possible that your bank has placed a temporary hold on the funds for this authorization, but they should be released after a short period of time. Your card has NOT been charged.

Please see our AVS FAQ for more details.

Then he goes to look up his order and he sees this:

Previous Orders

We have no orders on file for that email address and credit card.

If you entered the correct info but the order you are looking for is not listed here, then the order was not completed, and you were not charged.

If your bank says otherwise, it's probably not true, though it's possible that they've put a temporary hold on your card. It should clear up in a few days. Our AVS FAQ explains how that can happen.

Then he sends us email that says:

I purchased a ticket for the [REDACTED] show on your website. My bank says it is processing the transaction fee. I have waited a few hours now for the ticket to be emailed but it has not been. There was no confirmation on your site indicating that the transaction was successful (at least that I saw). I tried to track the order on your website. I got a message (attached) saying that you have no order on file. How long does it take to send/email the ticket? Should I try to buy another ticket? Will I be charged twice?

How...

How...

How...

HOW CAN YOU READ THOSE WORDS AND THINK THAT YOU SUCCESSFULLY PURCHASED A TICKET, AND THAT THE EMAIL IS ON ITS WAY?

What words could I possibly have said that would make it any clearer??

It's easy to just dismiss this as "herp derp, people are dumb", but seriously, this happens all the time. Like, a couple times a week. It's an epidemic.


Update: I changed the first part to look like this instead. Maybe this is clearer. Who knows.

Purchase Failed

Purchase failed!
Your order has not been completed and your credit card has not been charged.
Your credit card failed to authorize.

Your bank says:

"The transaction has been declined because of an AVS mismatch. The address provided does not match billing address of cardholder. Code N: Wrong address."

It is possible that your bank has placed a temporary hold on the funds for this failed purchase, even though you have NOT been charged and DO NOT have tickets. If that happened, the hold will clear on its own in a few days. See our AVS FAQ for more details.

Please correct your info and try submitting your order again.


Update 2: And guess what, not 20 minutes after I made that change, I got this email:

I just ordered 2 tickets (twice, so 4 tickets in total) for the [REDACTED] event. both times, the website said failed transaction. However, my bank still charges me $34 twice. I forward here the email. Also, they gave me 2 codes that prove the transactions were successful: [NNNNNN] and [NNNNNN]

Can you look into it and help me cancel the orders and/or keep one that works. I need to have 2 tickets for tonight.

My number is [REDACTED] - please give me a call when you can. Thanks

Card Transaction / Authorization Alert

Please note the below transaction on your Credit Card ending with [REDACTED]

Transaction Amount: USD34

Transaction Date: 2015-06-13

For more details Login to Citibank Online

Regards,

Citibank N.A. Vietnam

Apparently there are no words that I can say that will make people believe me over the lies their banks tell.

Oh, and note that "this happens to me all the time" is something that they did not say, despite the fact that their card is from a bank in Viet Nam and the error was "Status G: Non-U.S. issuing bank does not support AVS". This means that no U.S. merchant who does address verification will ever accept this card.

Sigh.

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From the GNOME User Interface Guidelines:

Previously.

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Science, mad.

Doctor who trained U.S. troops suspended for macabre techniques

Since retiring from the U.S. Army in 2000, Dr. John Henry Hagmann has helped train thousands of soldiers and medical personnel in how to treat battlefield wounds. His company, Deployment Medicine International, has received more than $10.5 million in business from the federal government.

The taxpayer-funded training has long troubled animal rights activists, who contend that Hagmann's use of live, wounded pigs to simulate combat injuries is unnecessarily cruel. But an investigation by Virginia medical authorities alleges that pigs weren't the doctor's only training subjects.

During instructional sessions in 2012 and 2013 for military personnel, Hagmann gave trainees drugs and liquor, and directed them to perform macabre medical procedures on one another, according to a report issued by the Virginia Board of Medicine, the state agency that oversees the conduct of doctors.

Hagmann, 59, is accused of inappropriately providing at least 10 students with the hypnotic drug ketamine. The report alleges Hagmann told students to insert catheters into the genitals of other trainees and that two intoxicated student were subjected to penile nerve block procedures. Hagmann also is accused of conducting "shock labs," a process in which he withdrew blood from the students, monitored them for shock, and then transfused the blood back into their systems.

Previously, previously, previously.

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  • Previously