The Big Book of British Smiles

Jessine Hein: David Bowie's original teeth:

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recent movies

American Mary: Girl drops out of med school and takes up a career in extreme body modification and revenge torture. It's fucked up. I liked it. There is less gratuitous stripper nonsense than the trailer shows.

Wetlands: This is one of the filthiest movies I've ever seen, and I mean that in both senses of the word. Anal fissures are a major plot point, and it's German so of course there's chest-shitting.

Trouble Every Day: It's a vampire movie. There, I spoiled it for you. Everyone's a creep and really sad. I should know better than to watch anything with Vincent Gallo in it.

The Countess: Julie Delpy does the story of Erzebet Bathory and her innovative skin-care regime. It's a little slow, but good.

The Anomaly: Super-assassin has his memory reset every few minutes and wakes up in the middle of a heist somewhere else. It's a lousy enough retread of old ideas that I expected to see P. K. Dick's name pop up (since there have been a thousand movies "based on" his work and exactly one was any good).

I Origins: There was a germ of an interesting idea in here -- "I think I found physical evidence that my Manic Pixie Dream Girlfriend was reincarnated as an Indian street urchin!" -- but every character was an irritating piece of shit and the dirtbag convenience-store clerk playing the lead was completely unbelievable as a scientist.

The Woman in Black: This movie lost me when 20 minutes had gone by and I had already been repeatedly subjected to ham-handed foley scares. Here's a hint: pipes in old houses don't make 110 dB dubstep-drop boom noises. And even if they did, that's terrible film-making unless what happens immediately next is "the sink actually explodes" rather than, "oh look, it is actually a fully functional sink." Then later there was a floating Scooby Doo creeper in a cheap Halloween mask or something. I've already forgotten.

The Device: Finding the Alien MacGuffin makes everyone act like assholes. Snore.

The Signal: I think this was better when it was called "Laserblast". I feel sad for Laurence Fishburne that money is so tight that he decided to be in this.

The One I Love: This wasn't bad, but really it was a 30 minute episode of Tales From The Darkside stretched out to feature length. It's better if nobody has spoiled the central twist for you before you watch it.

Soulmate: Attempted suicide meets actual suicide, has tea. Gonna go with Tales From The Darkside again. Though it was refreshing to see a ghost story that was trying to have a plot instead of only being scary.

Drinking Buddies: Sad, dissatisfied people realize they aren't happy with their relationships, change things, nothing changes. I was going to say, "Hey, they're still making 90s slacker angst movies!" except if this was one of those there would have been a bunch of overwrought monologues. It wasn't a bad movie but it was just a total bummer.

Dead Before Dawn: I just remember a lot of running and screaming and drooling. And then maybe it was all a dream? Yeah, I've already forgotten it.

...on a related note, is there a replacement yet for that works with flexget?

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