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If other media were as sad as comic books



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Silly rabbit, ZALGO is for KIDS

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Current Music: EMA -- 100 Years ♬

Ascension, continued

Statler and Waldorf continue their in-depth analysis:

Wait. I think ep 3 was the finale!
I mean, on one hand, this is the old Catskills joke about "the food at this resort is terrible." "Yes, and such small portions!"
Syfy has a link that says "find out what the cast has to say about the third and final installment"
Wow... Maybe what they have to say is, "Yeah, we can't believe it either!"
So basically nothing was even remotely resolved.
I guess that was a six hour pilot?
Sure, but wasn't it fun just finding that out? ;)
TV has failed us.
The next time I'm with friends who are clearly going home together, I'm going to say "Escort them to their sleeping pod!"
Yes, I jumped back in... Episode 3, here we go!
Oh it's really something. So keep me in the loop on your play by play.
Oh I intend to
First best thing: Hulu runs a pregnancy test commercial immediately after the Ostera party selection scene.
Morphic resonance takes a minimum of 3 generations to develop. Make a note of that.
You are now waiting for the Orgone Energy namedrop which (spoiler) is not coming.
So some people just go ahead and have kids... So that works with their finite supplies and what not.
Sure. They just can't run for office.
This guy is wearing a 3 piece suit. He's so important he gets vest fabric.
Anybody crazy and restrained is always able to pull a full Sarah Connor and escape... Anybody.
And anybody crying in a hospital immediately gets 500ccs of happy juice.
Oh yeah, that's like day one hospital stuff. That and orderlies are always really dumb dicks who make fun of the patients
That's why people who want narcotics just go to a hospital and cry. Works every time.
Crazy people are all just crybabies anyway.
"Making a delivery to the lower 40's" is now slang for "blowjob."
When we built this 100 year ship, we made sure parts of it were awesome and luxurious, and parts of it were awful and gross, and we segregated the population between the two, because that wouldn't lead to any problems in the long run.
It was the 60s, man. Don't you remember the mail room coal stokers on Mad Men?
Oh yeah totally!
And then there are Men In Black...
There are bowls of fresh fruit on the council's meeting table.
That must be a hell of an orchard... on... Orchard Deck.
That's, you know, vat algae apples.
Burn... Vest guy banished to the lower decks... Waw waw...
He can trade his vest for cigarettes. From Tobacco Deck.
That vest could be made into baby clothes!
"The whole place is on lock-down" means "one armed guard will ineffectually attempt to stop you from escaping when you're already at the parking lot."
Hey. Stop. Stop.
You guys. Stop.
Omg... This hurting me.
Rapey lower deck guy "finding" the officer's lounge is feeling more rapey than, say, terrified that they ship is exploding.
You know how Morlocks are.
Stupid Morlocks.
And then Alf.
I might be close to throwing my shoe.
Waaaait for it
Oh boy...
Did you get to the powdered air yet?
What??? No not yet
Apparently nobody has found the unconscious security guard laying by the parking lot.
We're going full Snowden... Wow... That is some dialoguing.
All CIA agents have a bugout car.
Yes, they all do.
The highest ranking official is the leader the sex-stewardesses.
I just, I can't even.
The fake ship was designed to resist the impact of an asteroid... What?
A fake asteroid?
"Get The Hell Off My Bridge" cliche just employed by chief sex-stewardess.
Did anyone say "you just don't get it, do you?" I can't remember.
I feel strongly that that has been said.
There's a supercut of that line that is pretty amazing.
Oh snap! I never said where he worked!
Haaaaa... Lamest grab the gun and shoot you with it EVER.
Also: "Sorry Sweetie, but the Star Child must be born..." That one's a keeper.
Best line in the whole series. And I think I mean that.
Almost over... !!!
Jeezus Hulu has massively packed this with commercials. I should have watched it on a stealy site.
The Star Child... I'm just... Wow...
So all we have to do is dump our entire supply of powdered air and everything is cool until we order more, right?
Also, the lack of breathable air seems to only affect people who don't need to be doing anything at the moment.
NPC Narcosis
Thank goodness we were able to dump the material in our oxygen scrubbers into a fan. That is clearly the best way to distribute that stuff through a structure bigger than the Empire State Building. Certainly better than using the system as it was designed to work.
Teh fuck... Star Child!!
You're wrong. They are heroes, and they're going to space.
I'm just, I... Ow.
Eh!? Eh!?
I... I... No. Oh no... No.
Good job, everybody! Put a bow on that and drop it off at ScyFy headquarters!
Wow... That was the greatest living example of "we've actually got nothing here" I've ever seen!
AND ----- SCENE.
Series finale. We did great work here everybody.
Oh boy, that was so colossally lame.
Practice your acceptance speeches.
Man, nothing so satisfying as a job well done.
"Best use of gratuitous butt shot on basic cable."
Yeah, that was a pretty good and pointless butt shot.
Contractual cheekage.
It would have been better if Alf had just shown up in person. That would have been _better_.
Awright, well, I feel as though I accomplished something today. I'm going to bed.
How did they - I mean - this happened.
Money was spent.
Hey everybody got a paycheck... And in the end, that's what really matters...
I just don't get it, do I?
Get the hell off my bridge!
Okay, I haven't gone to bed yet...
You're an ambitious, power hungry leader of the sex stewardesses and wife of the captain on a ship of with only 600 people on it. You were born there and have lived your entire life in that enclosed environment... And you not only _didn't_ already know that 3rd in command was _you_, you had to find that out in the middle of a crisis from a brand new junior officer quoting the regs to you.
Tee hee she's just a girl.
Girls are even dumber than troglodytes!
Huh... So I guess they missed the point in the outside world when the term "upper decker" meant pooping in the toilet tank...
Maybe they didn't miss it AT ALL.
This series now makes much more sense.
That's just the poop talking, baby. Let it work its magic.


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Current Music: EMA -- Neuromancer ♬

Today in Stormtrooper Couture

(and I guess by "today" I mean "five years ago", but still.)

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DNA Lounge: Wherein we found your phone.

Why was the DNA Pizza women's toilet backed up?
Because you flushed your iPhone:

AppleCare is totally going to be able to tell that you got it wet.
It was in there like, elbow-deep. (That's what she said.)

Bootie: Wrestling
Author & Punisher
Glass Animals + Royal Blood
Smoke Season
Hubba Hubba: Toys
3 Teeth
Yes, we set up a full-sized wrestling rink at Bootie a few weeks ago. It's been a while since we've done that. We all miss ISW a lot, so I brought some tortillas to throw at U.S. Steele for old time's sake.

By the way, we still have some of those Glass Animals / Royal Blood posters for sale. Just ten measly dollars. Christmas themed and everything!

And registration is now open for the Second Annual Cocktail Robotics Grand Challenge, on Sunday, July 12, 2015. That's quite a ways off, but we wanted to give people a lot more time to prepare their robots this year.

So tell your friends, ok?

Last year was pretty great. Go relive it through the magic of video.

If you haven't gotten your tickets for New Year's Eve yet, you should do that soon. You've already missed the "early bird" price, and it's going to go up again soon. And it's going to sell out. For real.



Statler and Waldorf, by whom I mean me and Dr. Kingfish, text while watching shitty, shitty TV:

Have you tried "Ascension"?
Yes I watched the first one. Thought it was decent until about 30 minutes after it ended when I realized how stupid it was.
Yeah, that's what I did... It was neat to look at, but basically they just stole the entire premise from Twin Peaks, then spooged out the big "twist" (*koff*) in the very first episode.
I'm still deciding if I care enough to watch the next ones.
The whole time I was like - all of this with no ground support? And then the twist - all of this with 1960s tech? Nope.
Unless the program really started in the 80s and half the crew are actors - which I actually suspect.
That works.
No. That's fucking stupid. It's BSG again.
Yeah, I pretty much hated everything about BSG.
So they do have ground support - and they never sent a new song or a newspaper?
Right... How do they not have the ability to receive radio and TV signals...
How do they not have the ability to tell that OPTICAL TELESCOPES are looking at a MATTE PAINTING
Ha! That too!
You don't even have to get into Doppler on the radio!!
At the very least, give us a lame script- excuse for all this crap!
They are nightly drugging them into Lost levels of stupidity and incuriosity
Also: so over the "you lower level trash" -- because that's what it's like in the space program (and everything.) They totally would have roles that were "just pig farmers."
I almost screamed at the tv when they Spocked the corpse. BIOMASS GOES IN THE GREEN BUCKET.
Haha!!! I thought the same!!
So much for the Soylent dip at the Launch Day party!
At the very least, desicate her and refill a couple buckets in the water reclamation tank!
You just gave me a TV headache.
What to you wanna bet Little River Tam is *actually psychic*? Or that there are angels or some shit?
I'm guessing Real Aliens are coming... And they're almost here... Which is why they started the project was started 50 years ago... And annoying kid is being contacted by them, because: TV.
Also: lots of open space on that submarine. Up in the air. Where you can't use it.
Ha! Science!
Also I think they were trying to show red and blue shifted stars, but only 30 degrees apart.
And I think you need to be at like 99% of c to get that, which means Centauri in a year, not 100
Woo hoo!
Also, you know, impossible.
That too. Well, BSG was pretty big with the scientific eye-rolling.
Alright that's it... I'm going in. I'm gonna watch episode 2 of Ascension.
Oh did that air already?
I think 3 did also, but it's only up to 2 on the Hulus.
There's a "what the fuck" in the first 2 min.
Also, how did they fake the g forces --of a spaceship bigger than the Empire State Building-- of the launch 50 years ago?
And what do the "engines" do? I mean, I get they could just be pointed in a direction in space, but somebody has to be running and maintaining something that looks like a power plant, right?
They probably had them drugged during launch
Oh hey, and I guess they drug everybody anytime they need to go in and upgrade all the surveillance equipment they use to keep tabs on them... Cuz those iPads aren't directly wired to those vacuum tube TVs.
Okay, we're putting you in a giant spaceship for 100 years... Make sure you bring enough neckties and 2 piece suits, that never wear out... Oh, and your descendants need to be able to fit in your clothes, so plan for that.
Also, make sure you use your 1960's medicines to ensure the next generation or two aren't overwhelmingly all male or something...
Dude is getting shaved with a cake of solid shaving soap. How many of those did they bring when they "left."
They made them from baby fat
Oh right.
60s infant mortality rate.
Spare biomass.
I want my baby back, baby back, baby back...
Also where are all the old people? 51 years is a long time, but it's entirely within reason that there'd still be some original crew.
(I know, I know... Biomass.)
Logan's Run!
Renew! Renew!
They retire to the Miami Ark.
So wait. Everyone over 51 was "born" on earth. The captain, the councilman?
Yeah I was trying to figure that out... I think they're saying now that some families came along, with kids.
One of your guesses just came true, btw.
I'm 20 min into part 2
Yeah you'll see
Apparently the ship runs on coal
I hate this show.
Dr. Fritz Lieber? And the girl is named Valis?
Apparently it's in Helfer's contract that she has to show her ass twice an episode
Hey! Wake up!
When you get to the end of part 3 you are literally gonna throw your shoe at the tv.
And those iPads they invented on the ship - what do you figure their transistor fab looks like? And what part of China mined the rare earth metals for them? Or will we learn that a member of the crew is Dr. John Dee, Actual Alchemist?
They made them from poop.

Part 2...
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I bought this crazy-assed replacement on-screen keyboard for iOS, and it's interesting, but after having used it for a couple of days the primary effect I've discovered is that I'm just typing a lot less because it's so fucking hard to do. I guess I'm giving up now.

I never got the hang of swiping with both thumbs: it seems like there's a timeout where if you take too long between letters it decides you're done? Or something? And when typing a long word, the whole keyboard gets so covered with glowy Tron psychedelia that you can't even read the keycaps any more. There are popup menus for correction where you're expected to pull down then move left or right, and inevitably the thing you're trying to find is occluded directly under your hand, no matter which hand you use.

I remember finding on-screen keyboards initially incredibly frustrating, but I don't think it was this frustrating. At this point I think what I really want is just one that has much better text prediction. (the stock iOS 8 keyboard is enormously better than iOS 7 in this regard.)

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Funny story: I also magically poop charms.


"I was very disappointed that the charms were not pooped magically, but clearly pooped using the rational laws of science. Still, a poop-charm is a poop-charm, as Woodrow Wilson used to say. Three stars."

"This toy has added a lot of fun to potty-training; my daughter has been searching for charms in all of her bowel movements, and I'm searching for more charms to hide!"

...and "Peanut Big Top" is my Juggalo name.

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