Statler and Waldorf, by whom I mean me and Dr. Kingfish, text while watching shitty, shitty TV:

Have you tried "Ascension"?
Yes I watched the first one. Thought it was decent until about 30 minutes after it ended when I realized how stupid it was.
Yeah, that's what I did... It was neat to look at, but basically they just stole the entire premise from Twin Peaks, then spooged out the big "twist" (*koff*) in the very first episode.
I'm still deciding if I care enough to watch the next ones.
The whole time I was like - all of this with no ground support? And then the twist - all of this with 1960s tech? Nope.
Unless the program really started in the 80s and half the crew are actors - which I actually suspect.
That works.
No. That's fucking stupid. It's BSG again.
Yeah, I pretty much hated everything about BSG.
So they do have ground support - and they never sent a new song or a newspaper?
Right... How do they not have the ability to receive radio and TV signals...
How do they not have the ability to tell that OPTICAL TELESCOPES are looking at a MATTE PAINTING
Ha! That too!
You don't even have to get into Doppler on the radio!!
At the very least, give us a lame script- excuse for all this crap!
They are nightly drugging them into Lost levels of stupidity and incuriosity
Also: so over the "you lower level trash" -- because that's what it's like in the space program (and everything.) They totally would have roles that were "just pig farmers."
I almost screamed at the tv when they Spocked the corpse. BIOMASS GOES IN THE GREEN BUCKET.
Haha!!! I thought the same!!
So much for the Soylent dip at the Launch Day party!
At the very least, desicate her and refill a couple buckets in the water reclamation tank!
You just gave me a TV headache.
What to you wanna bet Little River Tam is *actually psychic*? Or that there are angels or some shit?
I'm guessing Real Aliens are coming... And they're almost here... Which is why they started the project was started 50 years ago... And annoying kid is being contacted by them, because: TV.
Also: lots of open space on that submarine. Up in the air. Where you can't use it.
Ha! Science!
Also I think they were trying to show red and blue shifted stars, but only 30 degrees apart.
And I think you need to be at like 99% of c to get that, which means Centauri in a year, not 100
Woo hoo!
Also, you know, impossible.
That too. Well, BSG was pretty big with the scientific eye-rolling.
Alright that's it... I'm going in. I'm gonna watch episode 2 of Ascension.
Oh did that air already?
I think 3 did also, but it's only up to 2 on the Hulus.
There's a "what the fuck" in the first 2 min.
Also, how did they fake the g forces --of a spaceship bigger than the Empire State Building-- of the launch 50 years ago?
And what do the "engines" do? I mean, I get they could just be pointed in a direction in space, but somebody has to be running and maintaining something that looks like a power plant, right?
They probably had them drugged during launch
Oh hey, and I guess they drug everybody anytime they need to go in and upgrade all the surveillance equipment they use to keep tabs on them... Cuz those iPads aren't directly wired to those vacuum tube TVs.
Okay, we're putting you in a giant spaceship for 100 years... Make sure you bring enough neckties and 2 piece suits, that never wear out... Oh, and your descendants need to be able to fit in your clothes, so plan for that.
Also, make sure you use your 1960's medicines to ensure the next generation or two aren't overwhelmingly all male or something...
Dude is getting shaved with a cake of solid shaving soap. How many of those did they bring when they "left."
They made them from baby fat
Oh right.
60s infant mortality rate.
Spare biomass.
I want my baby back, baby back, baby back...
Also where are all the old people? 51 years is a long time, but it's entirely within reason that there'd still be some original crew.
(I know, I know... Biomass.)
Logan's Run!
Renew! Renew!
They retire to the Miami Ark.
So wait. Everyone over 51 was "born" on earth. The captain, the councilman?
Yeah I was trying to figure that out... I think they're saying now that some families came along, with kids.
One of your guesses just came true, btw.
I'm 20 min into part 2
Yeah you'll see
Apparently the ship runs on coal
I hate this show.
Dr. Fritz Lieber? And the girl is named Valis?
Apparently it's in Helfer's contract that she has to show her ass twice an episode
Hey! Wake up!
When you get to the end of part 3 you are literally gonna throw your shoe at the tv.
And those iPads they invented on the ship - what do you figure their transistor fab looks like? And what part of China mined the rare earth metals for them? Or will we learn that a member of the crew is Dr. John Dee, Actual Alchemist?
They made them from poop.

Part 2...
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12 Responses:

  1. Michael V. says:

    My DVR screwed up while recording this, and consequently I'd kind of already decided not to watch it, but now you're making me want to watch it.

  2. I think I said many of these same things to my wife, who promptly accused me of "nerding too much". Seriously, does no one on this spaceship understand how gravity works?

  3. jwz says:

    Ok, maybe I'm slow on the uptake here, but I only just realized that episode 3 was in fact the series finale. Nothing was even remotely resolved. That was not a miniseries, it was a six hour pilot episode, full of exposition and setup and nothing else, and I feel even more cheated than I felt already.

    Fuck those guys. I hope the canned beans go bad and the whole ship suffocates on their own farts.

  4. I just watched the final part. The ending is beyond stupid. If you have only watched part one I'd suggest cutting your losses.

    • phuzz says:

      Based on nothing but a spoilery review of the first episode, and the above texts, I'm going to guess that they actually launch the "spaceship".
      That or aliens.

  5. She really does have a nice ass though. They should do six hours of River Tam Beats Up Everyone While Tricia Helfer Stands Around Butt Naked.

  6. Soupdragon says:

    Even whichever twelve-year-old wrote the breathless and largely-incomprehensible episode synopses on Wikipedia seems to have given-up part way. It's the first time I've seen the Repository of all Trivia display anything other than a borderline-OCD level of detail to some genre-based pop-cultural doodad.

    Trebles all round at SyFy for this stunning first!

  7. Jim Sweeney says:

    Har! Yes! Share our wisdom with the peoples!