Ascension, continued

Statler and Waldorf continue their in-depth analysis:

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Wait. I think ep 3 was the finale!
WTF!
What??
I mean, on one hand, this is the old Catskills joke about "the food at this resort is terrible." "Yes, and such small portions!"
Syfy has a link that says "find out what the cast has to say about the third and final installment"
Wow... Maybe what they have to say is, "Yeah, we can't believe it either!"
So basically nothing was even remotely resolved.
I guess that was a six hour pilot?
Sure, but wasn't it fun just finding that out? ;)
TV has failed us.
The next time I'm with friends who are clearly going home together, I'm going to say "Escort them to their sleeping pod!"
Yes, I jumped back in... Episode 3, here we go!
Oh it's really something. So keep me in the loop on your play by play.
Oh I intend to
First best thing: Hulu runs a pregnancy test commercial immediately after the Ostera party selection scene.
Yesss
Morphic resonance takes a minimum of 3 generations to develop. Make a note of that.
You are now waiting for the Orgone Energy namedrop which (spoiler) is not coming.
Ha!
So some people just go ahead and have kids... So that works with their finite supplies and what not.
Sure. They just can't run for office.
This guy is wearing a 3 piece suit. He's so important he gets vest fabric.
Anybody crazy and restrained is always able to pull a full Sarah Connor and escape... Anybody.
And anybody crying in a hospital immediately gets 500ccs of happy juice.
Oh yeah, that's like day one hospital stuff. That and orderlies are always really dumb dicks who make fun of the patients
That's why people who want narcotics just go to a hospital and cry. Works every time.
Crazy people are all just crybabies anyway.
"Making a delivery to the lower 40's" is now slang for "blowjob."
When we built this 100 year ship, we made sure parts of it were awesome and luxurious, and parts of it were awful and gross, and we segregated the population between the two, because that wouldn't lead to any problems in the long run.
It was the 60s, man. Don't you remember the mail room coal stokers on Mad Men?
Oh yeah totally!
And then there are Men In Black...
There are bowls of fresh fruit on the council's meeting table.
That must be a hell of an orchard... on... Orchard Deck.
That's, you know, vat algae apples.
Mmmm...
Burn... Vest guy banished to the lower decks... Waw waw...
He can trade his vest for cigarettes. From Tobacco Deck.
That vest could be made into baby clothes!
"The whole place is on lock-down" means "one armed guard will ineffectually attempt to stop you from escaping when you're already at the parking lot."
Hey. Stop. Stop.
You guys. Stop.
Heyyyyy...
Omg... This hurting me.
Rapey lower deck guy "finding" the officer's lounge is feeling more rapey than, say, terrified that they ship is exploding.
You know how Morlocks are.
Stupid Morlocks.
And then Alf.
I might be close to throwing my shoe.
Waaaait for it
Oh boy...
Did you get to the powdered air yet?
What??? No not yet
Apparently nobody has found the unconscious security guard laying by the parking lot.
We're going full Snowden... Wow... That is some dialoguing.
All CIA agents have a bugout car.
Yes, they all do.
The highest ranking official is the leader the sex-stewardesses.
I just, I can't even.
The fake ship was designed to resist the impact of an asteroid... What?
A fake asteroid?
"Get The Hell Off My Bridge" cliche just employed by chief sex-stewardess.
Did anyone say "you just don't get it, do you?" I can't remember.
I feel strongly that that has been said.
There's a supercut of that line that is pretty amazing.
Haha!
Oh snap! I never said where he worked!
Haaaaa... Lamest grab the gun and shoot you with it EVER.
Also: "Sorry Sweetie, but the Star Child must be born..." That one's a keeper.
Best line in the whole series. And I think I mean that.
Almost over... !!!
Jeezus Hulu has massively packed this with commercials. I should have watched it on a stealy site.
The Star Child... I'm just... Wow...
HERE IT COMES... POWDERED AIR!!
So all we have to do is dump our entire supply of powdered air and everything is cool until we order more, right?
Right!
Also, the lack of breathable air seems to only affect people who don't need to be doing anything at the moment.
NPC Narcosis
Thank goodness we were able to dump the material in our oxygen scrubbers into a fan. That is clearly the best way to distribute that stuff through a structure bigger than the Empire State Building. Certainly better than using the system as it was designed to work.
Teh fuck... Star Child!!
👍
You're wrong. They are heroes, and they're going to space.
I'm just, I... Ow.
Eh!? Eh!?
I... I... No. Oh no... No.
And ROLL CREDITS!
👽👽👽⁉️
Good job, everybody! Put a bow on that and drop it off at ScyFy headquarters!
Wow... That was the greatest living example of "we've actually got nothing here" I've ever seen!
AND ----- SCENE.
Hahahaha!!!
Series finale. We did great work here everybody.
Oh boy, that was so colossally lame.
Practice your acceptance speeches.
Man, nothing so satisfying as a job well done.
"Best use of gratuitous butt shot on basic cable."
Yeah, that was a pretty good and pointless butt shot.
Contractual cheekage.
It would have been better if Alf had just shown up in person. That would have been _better_.
Awright, well, I feel as though I accomplished something today. I'm going to bed.
How did they - I mean - this happened.
Money was spent.
Hey everybody got a paycheck... And in the end, that's what really matters...
I just don't get it, do I?
Get the hell off my bridge!
Okay, I haven't gone to bed yet...
You're an ambitious, power hungry leader of the sex stewardesses and wife of the captain on a ship of with only 600 people on it. You were born there and have lived your entire life in that enclosed environment... And you not only _didn't_ already know that 3rd in command was _you_, you had to find that out in the middle of a crisis from a brand new junior officer quoting the regs to you.
Tee hee she's just a girl.
Girls are even dumber than troglodytes!
Huh... So I guess they missed the point in the outside world when the term "upper decker" meant pooping in the toilet tank...
LLOL
Maybe they didn't miss it AT ALL.
OH EM GEE...
This series now makes much more sense.
That's just the poop talking, baby. Let it work its magic.
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3 Responses:

  1. I was able to warn off a friend before he watched parts 2 and 3.

  2. hattifattener says:

    No orgone accumulators?! I guess I won't be watching this after all.

  3. volk007 says:

    Meanwhile I enjoy "The 100".