Columbus thought the Earth was shaped like a boob.

And the Garden of Eden was at the top of the nipple.

I have always read, that the world comprising the land and the water was spherical, and the recorded experiences of Ptolemy and all others, have proved this by the eclipses of the moon, and other observations made from east to west, as well as by the elevation of the pole from north to south. But as I have already described, I have now seen so much irregularity, that I have come to another conclusion respecting the earth, namely, that it is not round as they describe, but of the form of a pear, which is very round except where the stalk grows, at which part it is most prominent; or like a round ball, upon one part of which is a prominence like a woman's nipple, this protrusion being the highest and nearest the sky, situated under the equinoctial line, and at the eastern extremity of this sea -- I call that the eastern extremity, where the land and the islands end.

Ptolemy and the other philosophers, who have written upon the globe, thought that it was spherical, believing that this hemisphere was round as well as that in which they themselves dwelt, the centre of which was in the island of Arin, which is under the equinoctial line between the Arabian Gulf and the Gulf of Persia; and the circle passes over Cape St. Vincent, in Portugal, westward, and eastward, by Cangara and the Seras, in which hemisphere I make no difficulty as to its being a perfect sphere as they describe; but this western half of the world, I maintain, is like the half of a very round pear, having a raised projection for the stalk, as I have already described, or like a woman's nipple on a round ball.

Ptolemy and the others who have written upon the globe, had no information respecting this part of the world, which was then unexplored; they only established their arguments with respect to their own hemisphere, which, as I have already said, is half of a perfect sphere. [...]

On these grounds, therefore, I affirm, that the globe is not spherical, but that there is the difference in its form which I have described; the which is to be found in this hemisphere, at the point where the Indies meet the ocean, the extremity of the hemisphere being below the equinoctial line. And a great confirmation of this is, that when our Lord made the sun, the first light appeared in the first point of the east, where the most elevated point of the globe is; and although it was the opinion of Aristotle, that the antarctic pole, or the land under it, was the highest part of the world, and the nearest to the heavens, other philosophers oppose him, and say, that the highest part was below the arctic pole, by which reasoning it appears, that they understood, that one part of the world must be loftier, and nearer the sky, than the other; but it never struck them that it might be under the equinoctial, in the way that I have said, which is not to be wondered at, because they had no certain knowledge respecting this hemisphere, but merely vague suppositions, for no one has ever gone or been sent to investigate the matter, until now that your Highnesses have sent me to explore both the sea and the land.

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7 Responses:

  1. Seems legit. I'm on board.

  2. Jessica Lennon: cool, I'm on areola. Meet you half way?

  3. John Adams says:

    Sounds like areola is gonna be cold as hell.

  4. Jim Sweeney says:

    Advantage: burlesque

  5. Don Hopkins says:

    Sorry, but the world is shaped like a butt, and the garden of eden was in the asshole.

  6. Seems kinda pear shaped to me, though not so pronounced. most accurate representation of the earth if you believe the hype:

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