Mallory Ortberg:

movies and books are bullshit bc whenever a character is offered the chance to become Consort of a Dark King/Queen they always turn it down

and the DREAD LORD or NIGHTMARE EMPRESS always makes it look so tempting it's like why do you want your terrible mortal life over this

DARK QUEEN: do you want to come to my empire of night and rule over death and have bonkers murder sex together
MAIN GUY: no, for some reason

they turn it down on Buffy, they turn it down in Queen of the Damned, they turn it down in the Forbidden Game and it's BULLSHIT

@ladysisyphus: Labyrinth! Don't forget how wrong Labyrinth is.

@daveexmachina: "no i want to go to work tomorrow and write some database code, also pay some bills"

it's all the fun of being a SCREAMING PRINCE OF PAIN with non of the administrative headaches!! TAKE THE CONSORT POSITION NUMSKULL

The house was nice. The kids were fine. But something was missing.
"Maybe I SHOULD have vanished to Darkalfheim with Julian," he thought.

anyhow if some evil hottie wrapped in capes and leather has been stalking you from Hell for your whole life and they ask you out, say yes

it's a good deal and you should take it

"Mom, Dad," she said. "I'm not going to college. I'm going to become the Queen of Hell."
her terrible boring football boyfriend wept

"What kind of a job is that?" her father said. "'Queen of Hell?' Your mother and I have saved for your education for years."

"I already bought a Penn Mom bumper sticker for the Escape," her mother said tearily.

Clarice flung an ebony statue of a raven with shimmering ruby eyes at their feet. "That should cover it."

"Oh, wow," her dad said. "Yes, you should definitely be the Queen of Hell."
"You'd never make this much as a pharmacist," her mother agreed.

Previously, previously, previously.