Today in "Plurality of Rigid Members" news:

US Patent 20140066698: Squirt Watch:

1. A Squirt Watch comprising of a housing wrist band, lens, push button, microcontroller, accelerometer, red, yellow, and green light emitting diodes (LED), resistors, capacitors and battery create a watch like device that assists a women's partner in giving said women a squirting orgasm by giving feedback to the person wearing the watch for proper force and speed of the said wearers wrist/hand/finger motion on the said subjects G spot. The housing protects the electronics from getting wet or damage and is securely held to the said wearer's wrist by a wristband. The microcontroller is activated when the said wearer pushes the on/off button at which time the microcontroller turns on the accelerometer and accumulates raw data from the accelerometer in real time. See FIG. 1 for hardware block diagram. The microprocessor takes the data and compares it to a set of known data to see if the said wearer is matching the correct speed and G-force to give a woman a squirting orgasm. See FIG. 3 for the software block diagram. When enough force of the said wearer of the squirt watch is achieved a green LED with light. When enough speed or frequency is reached a green LED will light on the speed indicator giving the said wearer of the squirt watch that they do not need to go any faster.

2. The Squirt Watch of claim 1 further comprises a waterproof sealing system to at least 5 meters.

3. The Squirt Watch of claim 1 may use a single LED for all three colors red, yellow and green.

4. The Squirt Watch of claim 1 may further be disguised as a working watch with secret mode that activates the LED measuring system.

5. The Squirt Watch may use two batteries one for the normal watch functionality and one for the speed and force measurement system of LED's.

6. The Squirt Watch of claim 1 further comprises an audible feedback system when correct force and or frequency is achieved.

7. The Squirt Watch of claim 1 further comprises a blue tooth feedback system when the correct force and or frequency is achieved.

8. The Squirt Watch of claim 1 will put itself to sleep after a reasonable amount of time if there is not enough speed or force to activate the LED's thus saving battery power.

9. The Squirt Watch of claim 1 may have more than 3 indicators showing progress toward the correct frequency and force.

10. The Squirt Watch of claim 4 may use the two sets of G-force and Speed LED's to represent the markings for 2, 4, 6,8,10 and 12 o'clock. Or for the 1,3,5,7,9, and 11 o'clock.

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7 Responses:

  1. Manuel says:

    Besides the fact that I wonder whether such a device is really needed or would even work...

    • Chris Davies says:

      If they didn't patent it, Squitr would be an app on Apple's new smartwatch by the end of the year. These chaps have done us a valuable service in preventing an awkward techcrunch article.

      • No, the patent only covers a physical device; an implementation using a smartwatch seems perfectly fine. That said, the current crop may cause problems, as Bluetooth connectivity would need to be maintained, and you may need to position your phone carefully to avoid that, "Sorry dear, I lost the bluetooth" signal moment.

        On the plus side, most smartwatches vibrate.

  2. Russ Keegstra says:

    I am curious about the "set of known data ... to give a woman a squirting orgasm", but many vignettes are presenting themselves, such as:

    A flooded engine room, participants being showered with water.

  3. jwz says:

    5 meters seems excessive. My fingers aren't that long.

    • hattifattener says:

      Maybe it's a "your mom" joke.

    • nooj says:

      It's more about the pressure. What if you're fisting a girl (or guy) and they bear down? And then your handy-dandy watch full of rigid members breaks, and you don't know how fast or hard to pump your arm any more! That would be horrible! You could lose the edge, get arm cramps, get mass hysteria, dogs and cats living together.

      Or what if you're skinny dipping in one of the Monterrey Bay Aquarium's tanks, and you look at your partner and realize you really want to come? Like right then. This watch could be a relationship saver!

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