Mallory Ortberg:

A GHOST appears
GHOST: have you ever listened to Sublime
HAMLET: [makes j/o motion]

CLAUDIUS: who drew this dick on my face
HAMLET: does your face not always look like that

GERTRUDE: Hamlet I invited some of your friends over
HAMLET: [smoking] theyre not my friends
i wish i were dead

GHOST: hamlet you must avenge my death
HAMLET: i dont have to do anything
youre not even my real dad
GHOST: yes i am
HAMLET: whatever

GHOST: have you killed Claudius yet
HAMLET: no
GHOST: why
HAMLET: fuck you is why
im going to the cemetery to touch skulls

Enter HAMLET, skateboarding
OPHELIA: My lord, I --
HAMLET ollies over OPHELIA's head
HAMLET [offstage]: we were never dating

GERTRUDE walks down the hallway. Enter HAMLET, skateboarding.
HAMLET: SLUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
(HAMLET skates backwards) UUUUUUTT

LAERTES: Ophelia is dead
HAMLET: damn
LAERTES: she drowned herself
HAMLET: thats metal
i knew she was cool

(HAMLET draws a dick on his face)
HAMLET: ahaha
(He dies)

Previously, previously, previously, previously.