- Kick Ass 2: Wow, what a worthless piece of shit. Why did I waste my time on that?
So, yeah, in the last 13 months, I believe I've watched 97 movies, so imagine about 87 more reviews almost exactly like the one above.
Most of those 97 movies ranged between "utterly forgettable" (Percy Instruments: Volume 1: The Beginnining or whatever this week's cookie-cutter Teen Paranormal Romance is) and "so insultingly stupid that they made me angry" (Elysium, Cloud Atlas), or, "wearing out my fast-forward button" (The Hobbit, which I watched all 3 hours of in 15 minutes, like this: Zipzipzip, "Wow, they're still in the house." Zipzipzip "Still in the house." Zipzipzip "Eating, still in the house." Zipzipzip "Singing, still in the house." Zipzipzip "Does that guy really have poop on his head?" Zipzipzip "Oooh, terrible CGI goblins." Zipzipzip, "Wait, it's over?")
Anyway, these didn't suck, in reverse chronological order:
- Red 2: Not nearly as good as the first one, but still fun.
Curse of Chucky: I was really surprised, but this is actually a decent little horror movie. And it's a horror movie, not a comedy! I'm one of the few people who actually liked Bride of Chucky, but this one is much more like the first Child's Play than the others.
Fright Night 2: Ok, I was really confused by this, because I had no idea that there had been a remake of Fright Night a few years ago, so I thought this was actually a sequel to the 80s version of Fright Night, or I wouldn't have bothered. And as a sequel to that one, it makes no goddamned sense. I mean, it's been years since I saw that one, so I wasn't sure at first, but no. Still, as dumb vampire hunting movies with boobies go, it's not so bad. Also I just realized that I don't remember the difference between Fright Night and Vamp, because I thought Grace Jones painted by Keith Haring was in Fright Night. No wonder it didn't make any sense.
Pacific Rim: Not bad. Everyone I know was like, "OMG amazeballs!!111" and it's not all that, but it was good fun. Certainly better than Robot Jox. Even so, I think the only thing I can remember about it are the Ron Perlman scenes, and he was in the movie for like 3 minutes. Quality 3 minutes though.
Europa Report: This is really solid hard sci-fi! It's a little slow, but I was not insulted by it, and that's so rare for a space movie. I was afraid it was going to be a piece of shit like Apollo 18. It was not.
The Numbers Station: The plot is John Cusack Shoots His Way Out Of A Room, and I'm ok with that. But the surprising thing here is that there is a Crypto MacGuffin and they actually don't screw that part up. (Also I'm a sucker for anything to do with numbers stations.)
The To Do List: It's a period piece, really. It's set in the early 90s and Aubrey Plaza is a teen lifeguard trying to lose her virginity to the jock. It's half "that movie" and half "parody of that movie".
The Devil's Rock: It's short, but it's a solid little flick about a demonic infestation during WW2. Very, very good practical effects.
Seeking a Friend for The End of The World: This is great. It reminded me a bit of Wristcutters: A Love Story. Which you should also see.
Safety Not Guaranteed: Also great, and in kind of a similar way. Spoiler: contains no actual time travel. This is good news.
Butter: It's about a butter-carving competition between a sociopathic homemaker, a stripper and an orphan girl. I really did not expect this to be as funny as it is.