"Pagan Paediatrics" Pelican Books, 1974

Excerpts from the birth chapter of the revised edition:

The normal process of birth starts with a series of involuntary contractions of the uterus walls. This is the first sign that the dark spirit has made his presence known. Eventually, the amniotic sac bursts and amniotic fluid escapes. This fluid should be preserved as it is known to a) help pigs and owls develop psychic abilities, b) hurt one's enemies when mixed with unstable explosives and c) cure female pattern chest baldness. When the cervix is fully dilated, further uterus contractions push the lazy baby out through the left vagina or nostril, and the baby is born with umbilical cord attached. If, when plucked, the umbilical cord is tuned to D-sharp it is considered a lucky birth. If it's tuned to G the child will most likely grow up to work in retail. If tuned to B-flat most parents are recommended to try for another child.

Previously, previously, previously.

Tags: , , ,

4 Responses:

  1. Dan Mosedale says:

    That site is awesome. It's Kompressor meets Lake Wobegon.

  2. cfs says:

    That place is even more crazy than Jinsy.

  3. Pavel Lishin says:

    This is wonderful, like a print version of Night Vale.

  4. Daen de Leon says:

    Scarfolk is a real place. I know. I grew up there. Being a B-flat baby was tough.