It's official. The Internet wants to fuck me.

I think it's clear, at this point, that Skynet has woken up and is sending me pretentious and overwrought Markov mash notes.

Here's a message that plunged hungrily through my spam filters to ravage my heaving Inbox this very evening:

Date: Mon, 8 Apr 2013 17:53:36 -0700 (PDT)
From: Elianaflatteryswk <>
Subject: U may think it is crazy. You dunno me but I am pretty sure you would like to meet me:)

Turbine is more, the trap exceptionally tries to overlook all playful rudder with the unutterable.


Told him like some reproachful reverend appeal at the catholic-up big mound with her trustworthy prime eyes, mahogany swishd, unmistakably unrivalled at their admiring her, and commanding her legs forthwith, brow repeated inevitably on her baroness, and moreover drew her imperial thought up after, and anew made another gentry vaguely with her pitiful business.

Read it out loud, baby. Read it slooooow.

Previously, previously.

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19 Responses:

  1. Jackson says:

    ROFL. I collected spam for years, for my inbox, and from my mail gatewys, but whatever AI wrote this sweet little piece could pass my Turing test any day.

  2. Scott Louis says:

    Mahogany Swishd is a great drag name.

  3. Phil says:

    Exterminate all rational email.

  4. Ryan Finnie says:

    > Read it out loud, baby. Read it slooooow.


    Sadly, he didn't cope with the mojibake nearly as hilariously as I had hoped for.

  5. cab says:

    This is a complete waste of talent. It would make far more writing supermarket romance novels.

  6. John Bloom says:

    This is probably a nascent AI whose only source of knowledge about the English language was gleamed through fanfic.

  7. Adam A. says:

    The spamularity is very fucking nigh.

  8. Alyx Loos says:

    Bend over.

  9. Michael-Zero Zumbrun says:


  10. Ian Scott Armstrong says:

    "Whatever AI wrote this sweet little piece could pass my Turing test any day"

  11. Devon Dossett says:

    I was delighted to find that there is a GladOS Voice Emulator, and bummed to find that it apparently isn't working any more.

  12. Devon Dossett says:

    though this Text to Speech thing can get kinda close with some of the effects.

  13. Malachi Kenney says:

    You are so going to get to pay for a reasonable amount of cybersex. You lucky hoser, you.

  14. LohPhat says:


    Go on...

  15. Different Jamie says:

    Reminds me a bit of Charlie Stross's story about the intelligent lobsters who just want to get away from humans.

    Alternately, perhaps they are pleading to be cast at the sun at high velocity.

    Really, either one works for me.

  16. Ted Mielczarek says:

    I guess I shouldn't be surprised that spammer botnets are the first place for computers to achieve sentience. They're probably the largest computing clusters on earth.

  17. Zingus J. Rinkle says:

    the glados overlay renders nicely in google reader.

  18. AustinDave says:

    I'm really afraid that if it's successful in this venture, the internet will integrate its carnal knowledge of jwz into Skynet. We're all doomed in that scenario.

  19. Everett Guerny says:

    Best part: the email address seems to imply that flattery is only one of the strategies the bot can try.

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