It's official. The Internet wants to fuck me.

I think it's clear, at this point, that Skynet has woken up and is sending me pretentious and overwrought Markov mash notes.

Here's a message that plunged hungrily through my spam filters to ravage my heaving Inbox this very evening:

Date: Mon, 8 Apr 2013 17:53:36 -0700 (PDT)
From: Elianaflatteryswk <>
Subject: U may think it is crazy. You dunno me but I am pretty sure you would like to meet me:)

Turbine is more, the trap exceptionally tries to overlook all playful rudder with the unutterable.


Told him like some reproachful reverend appeal at the catholic-up big mound with her trustworthy prime eyes, mahogany swishd, unmistakably unrivalled at their admiring her, and commanding her legs forthwith, brow repeated inevitably on her baroness, and moreover drew her imperial thought up after, and anew made another gentry vaguely with her pitiful business.

Read it out loud, baby. Read it slooooow.

Previously, previously.

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No comment from the Global Strategic Hazelnut Reserve.

Truckload of Nutella stolen in Germany

Thieves have stolen 5.5 tons of the hazelnut chocolate spread from a parked semi-trailer. The theft of seven palettes of Nutella jars, worth a total of about $20,800, took place at the weekend in the city of Niederaula in the central state of Hesse.

Thieves in the region have previously stolen other large quantities of food products, including five tonnes of coffee worth 30,000 euros taken in March and 34,000 cans of an energy drink in August.

The site of the thefts, northeast of Frankfurt, is near a road transport hub where truck drivers living in the region tend to park their lorries at weekends, said a police spokesman.

Previously, previously, previously, previously.

Scene missing! A video in this post has disappeared. If you know of an accessible version of this video, please mail me so that I can update this post.
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  • Previously