WHEREAS, the Feast of St. Valentine has repeatedly proven offensive or inconvenient to the majority of the American People;
WHEREAS, the Feast of St. Valentine has been demonstrably debased by unseemly commercialism and rapacious greed;
WHEREAS, all attempts to celebrate the Feast of St. Valentine in the common way debase the true arts of love;
WHEREAS, the above factors in combination have continued to cause strife, discomfort and misery in the Greater Portion of the American People;
WHEREAS, the activities surrounding the Feast of St. Valentine debase and shame the American People;
AND WHEREAS, a more appropriate and honorable claim to that day exists;
NOW, THEREFORE, we decree that the celebration of the Feast of St. Valentine be hereby ABOLISHED;
AND WE FURTHER ORDER that the Fourteenth Day of February each year be rededicated to the celebration of the birth of Joshua, Norton I, Emperor of the United States and Protector of Mexico, who, by the grace of God, ruled his people wisely and well for more than twenty years.