hopefully my only ever post about Twilight

avphibes has been sadly absent from the tubes of late, but if you read only one thing today, please read her review of Twilight, the book. I won't spoil for you the part where she fills in the missing sex scenes. Go. Now.

OH OH OH... and the bestest part of all: The reason vampires can't go out in the sun? Because they're sparkly. Yes, sparkly. REALLY. I'm going to extrapolate from this that they also ride unicorns and crap gumdrops. I had to put down the book at that point and crack up.
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18 Responses:

  1. poly_scott says:

    OH man. I'm sooooo glad I skipped that one. This indicates that the genre is truly in need of a break. What's next, Vampire morning children's shows?

  2. msjen says:

    Wow, that was amazing. Thanks for linking to that.

    Just as a disclaimer, I only read it because if one more person said to me "Hey, you're spooky and you teach kids, so you will certainly like this book," I was going to stake them through the heart (which, according to the book, does not actually kill vampires).

  3. tanyamazon says:

    "We ejaculate rainbows" = coffee nearly out nose.

  4. revglenn says:

    and to think, i dated a girl who seemed to think that Twilight was the ultimate in literary achievement. so glad that the relationship ended before the movie came out.

    • squirrelonlj says:

      Hey, I did too. Sadly, I'm still a close friend of her, so I had to hear about the movie. The general consensus, even among her and her Twilight-obsessed friends, is that it sucked.

  5. perligata says:

    In the movie they also make windchime noises when they go in the sun. In addition to the sparkling. This is also amazing, if only for the pictures.

  6. chromebishop says:

    forwarded from Ms Fay:
    http://gofugyourself.celebuzz.com/cgi-bin/mt/mt-search.cgi?blog_id=1&tag=Twilight&limit=20&IncludeBlogs=1

    So, after careful consideration of approximately three minutes, I've decided Twilight would work a lot better for me on ice. Think about it: Pairs figure skating, much like the book itself, is all about melodrama, separation and reunion, and invading each others' personal space in a sexually unsatisfying way. All of Edward's condescending yearning and stalking would be way more fun if he were doing it while flitting about the rink in puffy shirts and tight trousers, tossing off triple Axels of romantic angst and throwing Bella into the air before catching her with one hand (subtext: "You must not love me BUT I LOVE YOU but stay away BUT NOT TOO FAR AWAY let me stare at you NO I MUSTN'T but I will LET ME TOE-LOOP MY FEELINGS don't look at me EXCEPT DO I am dangerous TIME TO SPARKLE"). Meanwhile, boring Bella, who in the text generally just repeats herself ad nauseum about how Edward's face/chest/voice/muscles/eyes/lips/piano talent/strength/secret macrame projects are more beautiful and perfect than anything in the human realm, could spend the rest of the time enacting a metaphor for her inner monologue by spinning over and over again until Edward rescues her from herself. Throw in some multicolored spotlights and the whole thing is practically begging for an Olympic ice-skating duo to reinterpret it at the Vancouver 2010 games.

  7. violentbloom says:

    see I liked the book, for it's very lack of weird disgusting porn scenes. I'm not really into the "vampire/werewolf/zombie/fairy orgies" that most other authors feel obliged to provide.

    I will not see the movie though as the trailer looked fucking awful. And of course there's the lack of glowing reviews.

    • violentbloom says:

      though what's next for her? Stories about puffy unicorn stickers? The sparkling thing was pretty weird. Actually the latest book is about aliens. haha

    • loosechanj says:

      In the fourth book, she literally skips from:
      "Forever," he agreed, and then pulled us gently into deeper water.

      to

      The Sun, hot the on the bare skin of my back, woke me in the morning.

      Between those two lines, Bella lost her virginity while consummating her marriage to Edward. I was on my knees thanking God after I read that. I've been subjecting myself to a chapter of the source of this trainwreck of pathetisad for months now, and it just keeps getting worse and worse.

      • lovingboth says:

        Ever read Tess? Someone's just about to take 'that which is most precious to a woman', when the chapter ends and the next part is entitled "Maid no more".

  8. mooflyfoof says:

    Ahahaha, that was brilliant! I read all four books and enjoyed them despite how horrible they are. avphibes' sex scene is spot on. Oh man, I'm still giggling.