I saw this trailer the other day...

...and very nearly clawed out my eyes and ears before it was over. I tried to describe it to structurefall, and he had an interesting theory: he said, "They had to be trying to make Springtime for Hitler, right?" This makes a lot of sense: it has a gamut of elements you'd want in your movie if you were trying to make the most despicable movie of all time:

  • Horrific uncanny-valley CGI;
  • Yappy dogs;
  • Even worse, a thousand clones of Scrappy Doo;
  • Musical numbers;
  • A parody of a "novelty" song decades past its sell-by date, in this case, The Macarena;
  • Cheech Marin.

Perhaps there's a Manchurian Candidate trying to bring Disney down from the inside. They intend to make a fortune by shorting the stock once this movie is released.

In keeping with Springtime for Hitler, this plan will, of course, backfire. By this time next year, all of the Jack Sparrows in the Pirates ride and all of the... uh... Eddie Murphys in the Haunted Mansion ride will have been replaced by monsterous smirking rat-dogs.

Just you wait.

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64 Responses:

  1. substitute says:

    The fancy people are already switching from chihuahuas to pugs as their lap dogs. The film might rescue the unwanted chihuahuas from the oncoming chihuahuacaust if it succeeds, anyway

    • jered says:

      Ahem. You mean the puggle, surely?

    • valacosa says:

      I've never understood - and am mildly uncomfortable with - the use of dogs as a fashion accessory. Then again, I grew up with real dogs, not the small, yappy, puntable ones.

    • genericvox says:

      I doubt that "the fancy people" will want a rescued Chihuahua. Instead, they will purchase a (poorly socialized) "purebred AKC registered" dog from a puppy mill. Such a puppy will terrorize them (in small, yappy dog fashion) until they grow tired of him (in Paris Hilton fashion) and little "Chico" ends up at the pound when he is no longer "cute".

      Shortly after Chico arrives at the local SPCA, he is humanely euthanized. He wasn't able to find a suitable home due to his food aggression, stemming from his early life in a filthy, cramped cage with 10 littermates living in their own feces.

      Don't we remember 101 Dalmatians?

  2. you didn't mention cheech marin. that just confirms it- he's standing in for steve gutenberg.

  3. intoner says:

    All I can say is that I'm happy the youtube video stopped loading half way through.

    I hate you.

    • solarbird says:

      Springtime for Hitler
      HA! It's NOT just me! I was totally thinking yesterday "holy crap this is Springtime for Hitler bad. Only without the resulting funny." But since they're trying for comedy, really, there's no place they can go - how do you get accidental drama? Tragedy, yes - drama, not so much.

  4. ladykalessia says:

    Well, at least they're being true-to-period. The Taco Bell Dog was about the same time as Godzilla, and the Macarena, right?

  5. You know, for years now I've managed to not watch Two Girls One Cup, but now I casually watch this and am filled with despair and the burning desire to curl up in the shower and attempt to scrub out my mind with a wire brush.


  6. bbe says:

    I think I just broke my teeth.

  7. mercuryglare says:

    "hold the bun", indeed.

  8. stellaspike says:

    Yah, we saw this in the opening for Prince Caspian: Jesus Lion ftw. we looked at each other like... wait... did that all just happen, why do I wanna cry now?

  9. gfish says:

    When we were exposed to this before Prince Caspian this weekend, people were singing along. Ugh.

    And why do they mention the Aztecs while showing Machu Picchu?

  10. xrayspx says:

    I'm afraid of what Nick Cave might do if he ever finds out that I paused him to watch that.

  11. lionsphil says:

    I'm convinced that CGI must be going through the same can't-be-bothered-with-quality problems as desktop software. Hell, Cats & Dogs did better than this, and that was seven freaking years ago.

  12. allartburns says:

    It's a head-fake. What are they *really* doing that we'd actually be upset about? Remaking Tron starring Gilbert Gottfried and Carrottop as Tron and Clu with Michael "I'll be in any move for $50" Caine as Sark?

  13. oh god they're rapping

  14. pdx6 says:

    I'm trying to imagine which fast food place is going to put this in it's McHappyMeal. McD's? Burger King? Taco Bell?

    Now I imagine a landfill full of plastic singing dogs that every other little kid is going to toss into the trash.

  15. lnghnds says:

    I should know better than to click play when you start with "nearly clawed my eyes out".

  16. kevinspencer says:

    That has to be a joke right? Right? Sweet Jesus did that suck.

  17. candid says:

    "The rest of you start writers thinking up a name for this funky dog; I dunno, something along the line of say... Poochie, only more proactive."

  18. giles says:

    Frith up a tree.

    They're onto something though. If they put out a horror movie with countless chihuahuas swarming out of an Aztec pyramid I'd pay good money to watch Milla Jovovich kick them out of midair.

  19. perligata says:

    After I watched this, I thought, as I often do: anthropomorphization of dogs has got to stop!

    But then I read a story involving an epistolary friendship between two dogs and changed my mind: At the table, he was merrier than I've ever seen him, told anecdotes, and after dinner held me up to his neck and said: "Look, Madgie, what's this?" I saw some little ribbon. I sniffed it, but found absolutely no aroma; finally, on the sly, I licked it: a little salty.

  20. sclatter says:

    I am not remotely shocked at this. Mildly surprised that it's not direct-to-video, but whatever. Disney churns out prodigious amounts of pure garbage that parents buy up on video to stick in the DVD player to pacify the young'uns.

    I guess with a theatrical release they can do more merchandising.

    Kids will LOVE them some singing chihuahua.

  21. elfs says:

    You are an evil little man. My children heard that, came over, and watched it. And demanded to watch it again. And then went downstairs and googled for it. And now they're singing that goddamned refrain over and over and over and over until I am about ready to explode.

    Only a real good cream ale is keeping them alive at this point.

  22. acroyear70 says:

    From Wikipedia:

    Alert viewers have noted that the first few seconds of the trailer feature the narrator describing his ancestors' fight alongside the Aztec warriors of Mexico while showing an aerial view of Machu Picchu, which is in Peru.

    You'd think that the same company with all of the reference material from Saludos Amigos and Three Cabillieros (never mind the set in Peru Emperor's New Groove and its more serious early draft as Emperor of the Sun) wouldn't have made such a stupid blunder.

    Of course, this is the same Disney that's been showing an extreme amount of cultural and social ignorance by hinting that they're going to destroy part of the "Brazilian Rain Forest" section of It's a Small World in order to expand the American section, and seem utterly oblivious to the obvious social commentary they're stepping in.

  23. tequilarista says:

    I still can't decide whether being associated with this or the 700 Club is worse...

  24. jp4r says:

    The Macarena? I thought they were trying for Mambo number 5.

  25. A full length musical Springtime for Hitler would be great.

  26. samildanach says:

    When we saw this in the theater, joyful_storm turned to me and said, "I just had the most bizarre hallucination"...

  27. You are one evil motherfucker and I hate your black, tainted hide of a soul...

    also... I don't think that was Cheech Marin... but was probably George Lopez.
    Of course... I don't want to watch it again to make sure.

  28. pygmalion says:

    I blame Paris Hilton.

  29. elegantelbow says:

    It feels like this was made in response to the popularity of the Taco Bell spokesdog. Who is long gone now.

  30. abates says:

    That was actually worse with the sound off than with the sound on, for some reason. Maybe the music helped distract me from the terrifying uncanny-valley-ness of the dogs.

  31. jaeai says:

    Yep, that voice is George Lopez. X(

  32. elliterati says:

    Someone in the Pixar camp's just trying to guarantee that they control ALL of Disney. They could animate the phone book and come up with something better than this.

  33. benediktus says:

    please take a moment of despair at the origin of that song.
    thank you switzerland.

    • baconmonkey says:

      holy crap, that's the same guy that inflicted this on the world:

      • semiclever says:

        Oh, it gets worse. His previous tour was space pirate themed. It's like someone crossed a thirteen year old buy with a five year old girl: "Let me take you to a world where there are pirates in space and they dance."

        I can confirm he's genuinely popular in Germany. Like sell out a stadium popular. My only consolation is thinking he must not sound nearly as dumb if you can't speak English.

        • schoschie says:

          Wait a minute... genuinely popular in Germany!?
          I feel I have to jump to the defense of my countrypeople.
          To those Germans who have more than half a brain and a pinch of taste, DJ Bobo is an unceasing source of ridicule.

          • schoschie says:

            Now that I watched about 20 seconds of that video, in pain, I should add most people I know would agree with me in suspecting that DJ Bobo is either a) part of some bizarre conspiracy to turn the world into zombies, b) quite deliberately shitting his audience because it's an easy way to make money c) on a lot of very interesting drugs, or most likely all of the above.

      • luserspaz says:

        His rhyme schemes remind me of grade-school poetry. That song is like listening to a 12 year old's goth poem posted on their myspace.

  34. lordshell says:

    *rinses eyes with bleach*

    Let . . . the hurting . . . stop . . .

  35. baconmonkey says:

    for years I have been baffled that people still believe that disney is anything but pure, concentrated, conservative evil.

    perhaps now the apologists will convert.

  36. lanikei says:

    i saw that trailer last night and i absorbed absolutely NOTHING about it. people noticed voices? heard lyrics? recognized songs?!

    perhaps seeing it on the big screen was just so overwhelming that i couldn't process all of the horror.