Six-Word Reviews of 763 SXSW MP3s

You know, when I listened to all of the 2007 and 2008 SXSW torrents, I thought that was kind of hardcore.

I was wrong.

Paul Ford is hardcore. He listened to all of the 2008 songs, all the way through, and wrote six word reviews of each.

Such as:

No. Artist Song Review
7 Adam Kesher P-Katherine Thin white men, tight black pants?
18 AM Old Song Someone’s been eating Hall and Oatesmeal.
79 Blue Rodeo & Friends This Town You’ll pay for this, Steve Perry.
184 The Deadbeat Poets Ernest T. “Dear Wes Anderson, here we are.”
258 Furthest Drive Home Forget His Facade Treacle. I want to stab dolphins.
274 Great Lakes Myth Society Heydays I call this genre “Dayjob Rock.”
332 Jon Mueller Homeostatic The drum solo has achieved singularity.
338 KaiserCartel Season Song (live) You know what audiences love? Whistling!
350 Kevin Shields Muscle Hair Like a dog fucking a blender.
382 Limbeck Let’s Get Crazy Where is the crazy you promised?
740 WIZ KHALIFA SAY YEAH Bitches AND money? In ONE song?
741 Wolff Addition By Subtraction Wizards of Gondor, unleash your tubas!

Plus digressions such as:

AWESOMENESS VS. CUTENESS

It's easy to quantify male vocalists: they are either douchebags, or, if they play guitar as well, double dog douchebags. But I also found myself dividing the female vocalists — and there are surprisingly many, which is a promising development — into two camps.

First, there are twee little things who will sing about forest sprites and make you collages when you have the flu. Then there are the tougher ones who wear glitter and make eye contact.

The question I asked myself, to divide between the awesome and cute, was: would this woman (1) help you to get an abortion? Or (2) just write a song about it? The ones who would drive you to the clinic without judging you, in my opinion, make better vocalists. I could be wrong but I think Martha Wainright, and the women from Creature, would go with you.

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28 Responses:

  1. porphyre says:

    Someone sent that to me earlier tonight. It's the first thing in months to make me laugh out loud. I got to "This guitarist has too many feelings." and knew I was hooked.

  2. rly says:

    That's the second best Hall & Oates joke I've ever heard.

  3. relaxing says:

    I think his criticism of the formalism of rap really applies only to rap that plays at an indie rock festival. Paradoxically, it is the mainstream commercial artists who 'keep it real.'

    More choice bits:

    It's a crutch; when there is an uncertain patch, a musical problem to solve, the band thinks, "I know. We'll use organ." Now they have two problems.

    197 3:57 The Dimes Rock · TX Delilah Definitely the most original song title. ââ

  4. placeslost says:

    I think I have to see Kevin Shields...

  5. cetan says:

    I spend most of the year listening and re-listening to the latest SXSW offerings with the intent of creating a "best of" selection of about 150 songs or so (about what would fit on a CD). 2006 was tough because there were those two torrents to combine.

    After I compile my selections, I force my friends to take copies of the disks. So far, not all of my friends now hate me :)

  6. capo_mojo says:

    Six words: the perfect review length.

    • placeslost says:

      Although, you failed, you only used four... :(

      • capo_mojo says:

        Your counting kung fu is weak.

        • placeslost says:

          Kevin Shields: Like a dog fucking a blender.

          That is eight words...the review is six and the reviewed is two.

          So Six words: the perfect review length is six words, but when you subtract...

          ...nevermind this is just stupid anyway...

  7. defenestr8r says:

    I thought you were hardcore too, but that so wins.

  8. unwoman says:

    How about us female vocalists who bring our cellos to a friend's house and play songs to her while she's actually having a medical abortion?

    • jkow says:

      See.. that would be cool if you played Apocalyptica.. but then again, there's no vocals to them. ;)

      • unwoman says:

        That would be TOTALLY BRUTAL.

        And actually there is an Apocalyptica album where they have guest singers, but most of them suck.

      • porphyre says:

        No, no. Rasputina.

        • jkow says:

          I seldomly am in the mood to really enjoy Apocalyptica CDs, but on stage they're the most energetic performance I ever saw. The first time I saw them as Rammstein support act, and I fell in love.

    • strspn says:

      Abortion doctors make house calls?

      • unwoman says:

        Medical abortion means using the abortion pill. I have no idea why it's called that (surgical abortion, which is also clearly medical in nature, is called surgical abortion I guess.) But that's done at home after an exam at the doctor & then a follow-up exam is performed later to make sure it worked.

        • editer says:

          Maybe medical = using medicine. It's not etymologically exact, but it's a reasonable association.

          Oh, and, you rock.

  9. kyronfive says:

    "Does ProTools do instant MSTRKRFT remixes?"

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    • hafnir says:

      That's cheating, though, 'cause Pro Tools is two words. But I think most people don't know that. Or that Pro Tools is not the name of the company, for that matter.

  10. cranaic says:

    I scraped every song that he gave five starts to. For some reason my host won't let me upload a 320 mb file, however.