Common Archie

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Six-Word Reviews of 763 SXSW MP3s

You know, when I listened to all of the 2007 and 2008 SXSW torrents, I thought that was kind of hardcore.

I was wrong.

Paul Ford is hardcore. He listened to all of the 2008 songs, all the way through, and wrote six word reviews of each.

Such as:

No. Artist Song Review
7 Adam Kesher P-Katherine Thin white men, tight black pants?
18 AM Old Song Someone’s been eating Hall and Oatesmeal.
79 Blue Rodeo & Friends This Town You’ll pay for this, Steve Perry.
184 The Deadbeat Poets Ernest T. “Dear Wes Anderson, here we are.”
258 Furthest Drive Home Forget His Facade Treacle. I want to stab dolphins.
274 Great Lakes Myth Society Heydays I call this genre “Dayjob Rock.”
332 Jon Mueller Homeostatic The drum solo has achieved singularity.
338 KaiserCartel Season Song (live) You know what audiences love? Whistling!
350 Kevin Shields Muscle Hair Like a dog fucking a blender.
382 Limbeck Let’s Get Crazy Where is the crazy you promised?
740 WIZ KHALIFA SAY YEAH Bitches AND money? In ONE song?
741 Wolff Addition By Subtraction Wizards of Gondor, unleash your tubas!

Plus digressions such as:


It's easy to quantify male vocalists: they are either douchebags, or, if they play guitar as well, double dog douchebags. But I also found myself dividing the female vocalists — and there are surprisingly many, which is a promising development — into two camps.

First, there are twee little things who will sing about forest sprites and make you collages when you have the flu. Then there are the tougher ones who wear glitter and make eye contact.

The question I asked myself, to divide between the awesome and cute, was: would this woman (1) help you to get an abortion? Or (2) just write a song about it? The ones who would drive you to the clinic without judging you, in my opinion, make better vocalists. I could be wrong but I think Martha Wainright, and the women from Creature, would go with you.

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