human cheese

This is, apparently, why there is no Monkey Butter:
I waited, and waited, and waited, no curdle was formed although the milk turned a bit more yellow. So I added more lemon juice, this is what I usually do if the cow milk does not curdle. I added and added and added more lemon juice until I ran out of lemons, and I stirred and stirred and stirred, but the milk stood still.
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21 Responses:

  1. jayp39 says:

    ...monkey cheese?

  2. carbonunit says:

    Unh, sorry to be pendantic but cheese != butter, butter is the fat content of milk not the protein. Monkey butter may still be a possibility.

  3. violentbloom says:

    so, cheese is not the same as butter...
    though if it's lower fat, that may result in failure as well.

    water buffalo milk makes really creamy yogurt. mmm

  4. divergio says:

    Don't lose hope:
    "Have you tried rennet? I know some people would not like to use the product of a dead baby cow but rennet is what is used to make cheese most of the time. I encourage you to try to make the breastmilk yogurt. You could also try to make ice cream: breastmilk, pureed fruit, instead of sugar try cane juice or stevia and instead of table salt to help freeze try sea salt, and you could make the healthiest ice cream on earth."

    Any volunteers?

  5. gordonzola says:

    you simply can't use the same recipe for cheese when you use the milk of different mammals. even her "you can't do it" source basically says he/she has never heard of the concept but it should be possible under the right circumstances. I agree with the above commeter who says use rennet (animal or lab made) because it has stronger coagulation properties.

    also the colostrum of human milk is higher in protein than mature lactation milk (moreso than other mammals) so that would be the best milk to use. Of course, you may not want to siphon off the colostrum from the human baby who needs it, but, theoretically, it would likely make better cheese.

    but it'll fucking taste awful. generally, the best cheese comes from the best milk. Think about what most humans you know eat. yuck.

    • gordonzola says:

      and sadly, while I do own a copy of Handbook of Milk of Non-Bovine Animals it does not include monkeys so I can't compare the properties of monkey milk to cow or human. Yak, moose, reindeer, sow, mare, yak, camel milk sure... but no monkeys.

      hell, I can even tell you that rat milk has 9 times the protein of human milk and twice the fat. That could make some awesome cheese. except for, you know, the taste. Though if they were penned and their diet controlled.... it could be the future of dairy farming. Bad yield though.

    • fanf says:

      However the volume of colostrum that a mother produces is tiny.

  6. wikkit42 says:

    On breast milk yogurt, the only proper way to do it would be to use her own Lactobacillus acidophilus, i.e. breast milk yogurt made with vaginal cultures.

  7. xenogram says:

    My local bartender came up with the following a couple of years ago.
    I apoligize if I've mentioned this before (I probably have), but not only is it possible, it's delicious:

    Monkey butter:

    • 2-3 shots of banana liqueur
    • 1 shot frangelico
    • 1 shot irish cream
    • 1 shot butterscotch schnapps
    • a dash of cream

    Serve in a cocktail class with a plastic cocktail monkey

  8. This is why there's no monkey cheese. Butter isn't made by curdling; it involves breaking down the individual globules of fat suspended in milk so they can be removed from the other constituents and mashed together. It's a simpler, more physical process, and I see no reason why human butter shouldn't be simple to make (as long as you're willing to rig up a churn).

  9. I actually remember at the Gigsville Grilled Cheese Invitational last year that there was a sandwich made from breast milk cheese and, well, weed.


  10. This gives us all hope! Clearly at some time in the recent past, this woman was pregnant. From that we can assume that even if you are the type of person who not only considers but actively carries out the process of making cheese from your own bodily secretions, you will still be able to find someone to fuck you.

  11. turnidge says:

    At a book signing, I recall that Alton Brown admitted (under questioning) to have made a derivative food from his wife's breast milk. My memory says it was cheese, but looking around on the internet, I find mention of butter and yogurt.