won't someone please think of the telemarketers?

This is way more entertaining than the Telemarketer counter-script...

Free Phone!

A little while ago I put together a little application on our phone system so that when a telemarketer calls in, I can transfer them to this extension and annoy the hell out of them. I thought about it a bit more and decided to make it a little more interesting, so I can get them to hold on the line as long as possible. Today I recorded a bunch of different voices sounding really interested in what a telemarketer would be offering. Have a listen:

Telemarketer.mp3 (600KB)

Once I gather enough calls, i'm gong to setup a little podcast of all the best calls from a fortnightly period. Enjoy!

Update: The author now admits that the MP3 is a fake, not a real telemarketer. OMG LAME!

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19 Responses:

  1. merovingian says:

    A few years ago, I was living with someone who was having credit problems, and got called by creditors a lot. They would ask if she was there, and when told no, they'd ask if her husband was there.

    "She's a lesbian," I'd always reply, with a hint of defensiveness in my voice.

    And that'd be that. Off the script and into an awkward situation! I started to look forward to creditors calling.

  2. LOL. "NO I CANNOT!!"

  3. yosh says:

    Please to be letting me sample them!

  4. pezking124 says:

    That is freakin' awesome.

  5. retardotron says:

    I listened to the clip at work and caused more of my coworkers to give up on me as some kind of cackling idiot. This is the kind of thing I would be willing to pay a small monthly fee for. I mean, if I weren't the kind of person who steals other peoples ideas for my own home use.

  6. ding_0_ says:

    I find that if I answer the phone "Caller you are on the air!" it takes care of most phone calls.

    Bonus points for anyone who is a better improver and can name a guest and topic off the top of their head.

  7. herbie says:

    The ridiculous fake Indian accent kind of makes it feel a little too canned for me. I want to hear real telemarketers falling for it.

    • sheilagh says:

      I actually just talked to a "Svati" today. She had a huge up-sell pitch (like 10-15 seconds, non-stop) .. and all of the broken Yoda-grammar English you could shake a spoon at.

      If my previous life doing phone support hadn't gotten the better of me, I'd've been giggling aloud at the poor dear.

      • herbie says:

        I'm not saying it doesn't happen - I'm just saying that this particular example seems faked.

        (Bizarrely, doubting the veracity of the recording makes me an "Ignorant fucktard". It doesn't even seem like it's the original guy who recorded it...

        • gutbloom says:

          What's the Internet without doubters? I don't even believe that <lj user="jwz"> has an application that can play this stuff when he transfers the caller to the "special" extension.

  8. justmealex says:

    I look forward to said podcast.

  9. sea_wolf says:

    I remember seeing a website a while back for an addon for the Asterisk PABX that would play a sound clip, then wait for 1 seconds silence and play the next sound clip. You could build a whole conversation this way and have the telemarketer totally convinced they were talking to a real person because the timing was always perfect. I can't find the damn site now, but some of the recorded clips were hilarious. It was so convincing that sometime telemarketers would hang up and call back later, thinking the whole time that they were talking to a real (if somewhat odd) person.

  10. ciphergoth says:

    What started as a harmless joke has snowballed into craziness. In the interest of full disclosure, the audio clip was NOT real; I'd simply been testing my phone system to see how it would sound if someone really did call in. No offense was ever intended.

    You can listen to the MP3 here, but please note this isn't a real telemarketer, it's meant to be a joke.

  11. thraxisp says:

    http://www.phonelosers.org/sound/
    "I just don't understand why telemarketers take so long to respond to "hello" when they call. This lady tries to explain it to me but I'm too dumb to understand."