What happens when you knock up a RealDoll

The Miracle of Birth in the Uncanny Valley

Next up we have our bouncing baby whatever. It's just the cutest little thing. It's got tubes and plunger dealies and a big blue wired control box, just like a real infant.

The real fun is getting the two together so that you can recreate the natural majesty of birth. Once you get everything unpacked, set up, calibrated, tested and filled with the appropriate fluids, you have one more decision to make. Breech or regular birth.

Now gingerly nestle your lovechild into place, making sure to position the birthing piston. After the birth your infant will be comforted by snuggling up to Mommy and listening to the soothing hum of her birthing piston.

Once baby's all set, close the pod bay door and get Mommy ready for the big day. Another helpful blurb from the manual advises us to keep the vulva lubricated.

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19 Responses:

  1. kfringe says:

    And thus new horror dawned for Real Doll customers...

  2. However, I was relieved to see that the scary toy clown archives only go back to March. Otherwise I would have been really upset.

  3. doctorfedora says:

    "Birthing piston" may be the funniest compound noun ever.

  4. suppafly says:

    Another helpful blurb from the manual advises us to keep the vulva lubricated.

    always good advice.

  5. liveavatar says:

    That fucking *huge* episiotomy reminds me why I planned to insist on a home birth with a midwife.

    For future mothers everywhere, I'm glad that's slowly going out of fashion. Criminently.

    • Out of all of this, the episiotomy was what freaked me out the most.

      • sleepsheep says:

        Episiotomy:

        "Hi folks and now to our special coverage on the birth process, we we turn to Doctor Freedy Kruger. Doctor Kruger, just how _do_ you keep a woman alive after knifing her repeatlly in the name of getting bavk to your golf game?"

  6. alisgray says:

    The museum for which I work has Bodyworlds 1 coming in as the new special exhibit and we're being trained for it. As a supplemental activity, the museum ordered a spanking new high-quality, hand-painted German anatomical model with removable organs. (Somewhere in the neighborhood of $1500.)

    It is still outgassing vinyl, and consequently smelt like Christmas morning, when I opened the new (unloved) babydoll that my grandmother had sent. I might have liked those dolls better if I'd been able to pop their insides out.

  7. rantzilla says:

    ...Bullshit.

    "But the job's not done yet. As the father you not only get to cut the umbilical cord, you have to cut Mommy a little too. So pull out your interchangable episiotomy incisions and see what angle most suits your beloved."

    Most women do not need to be cut as most women don't need to tear. Those that do tear or are cut do so because they are forced by their doctor into the "tradition" position of lying on they back.

    Any midwife or doula worth anything will tell you that the best position for child birth is a) what is comfortable for the woman and b) what is most conducive to a safe and painless birth. That is a squatting birth, for two main reasons. First, hello, gravity. Second, hello, the pelvis and vaginal canal are naturally open wider in a squatting position.

    So what happens in a prone birthing position is basically a more constricted canal, which translates generally to more pain and more chances of tearing.

    Most western doctors never even learn about any other birthing position than prone because, well, they are men and whose comfort during child birth is more important, the woman giving birth or the western male doctor?

    The real travesty is that tearing should be the exception. This montage reinforces the misconception that tearing is normal and that cutting is a proactive procedure. It's all bullshit. Even scarier is that most women want to be drugged up and cut because they don't know any better. Pain meds tend to short circuit a woman's natural pain killer, endorphins, which are actually suppressed. Basically any artificial interventions tend to require more interventions.

    My wife gave birth to our daughter with no pain meds whatsoever, in a hospital , lying on her back. Of course, she tore a little bit and was stitched up. We had decided we wanted to get a midwife about a month before the predicted birth date. But then our daughter was born a month early. I am convinced that if she had not birthed on her back, she would not have torn and not needed the stitches.

  8. lordshell says:

    *shudders*

    Where the fuck do you find this shit?!?!

  9. smokedamage says:

    my brain..... waaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh